celebrate

Life is so big... you can go through it and not experience the full range of emotions, or you can really delve into the depth of all it has to offer. The past few days have felt very emotional, truly reflecting on my life and how I've lived it so far... being okay with it and being at peace with all the missed opportunities as well as the straight up mistakes which have all contributed to who I am today.

The regret is so difficult to deal with because since I was little I never let myself regret as it is a wasted emotion, but it is a really good one, I realize now. Her name was Ella, the one who said that regret is a wasted emotion. It was at the beginning stages of adolescence that she said that, but she may even disagree with her 13 year old self now, too. Regret can really set you straight, and is absolutely crucial for change.

The past few days have been, not only filled with regret, but with appreciation and celebration of my life. Not only that I get to appreciate a life to begin with, but I am amazed at the creative capacity of humans (and the destructive capacity) but both are two sides of the same coin, one necessitating the other.

Human connnection is incredibly importnat to me at this point of my life. And not individual connections, necessarily, but a connectedness to a greater whole, which of course, can be reached through individuals and single interactions. I have been blessed in the last few days by being able to spend time with some people who I just understand, and who seem to understand me at a quite uncomfortably deep level. It's strange how some people you meet and get along with immediately, whereas others, even if you know they are great people, you just can't seem to break that first layer of acquaintance.

Moving to San Francisco will be a good move. I know it. The close proximity to a wide variety of people, as well as relatively close access to mountains, as well as staying in a hub of creativity... I think I'll be alright. I was scared of losing myself in a big city, but if college has done anything for me its that I'm now ready for that challenge to keep my head on my shoulders amidst the chaos that represents the city. Hey, at least its not New York.

Blue... Green... Water... People...

I'm excited.

I told somebody my life story today. I felt sheepish about it, like I hadn't done it in forever... I guess I haven't in a while, and I felt bad subjecting her to it, but its really good to recap where I've been... It puts me in context. Sometimes I forget to look at the little picture. I've been thinking of myself in context with history, and so I forgot to look at myself in context of myself... It's a lot less pressure that way! Cos I'm doign quite well compared to where I was before.

History is full of prodiges and inventors, and in that contex I haven't done shit, so its nice to know that I put a bad man in jail, overcame a difficult relationship, travelled solo in foreign countries, played a sport competitively, educated myself, and just... in general done alright. Of course there's room for improvement: I could be more emotionally available and honest, be at ease with my creative ability, treat people nicer with more understanding, be closer to godliness more often, let go of my past more, be at ease with and accept my sexuality,... but all in all i'm okay. My problems don't seem inconquerable any longer, which is really amazing. I guess that's what depression is, when you feel like your problems are greater than you... But they really weren't, it was a matter of outlook, because when I told Grace my current troubles, she reacted like it was a very difficult thing to cope with, but I feel like its completely manageable. Her empathy would have been a great comfort a few years ago, but now it seems unnecessary! I'm certainly not problem free, but i am so incredibly lucky in so many ways.

I never forgot that, but that knowledge can be difficult to cope with as well... Guilty privilege... but that's beside the point, because this is a celebration blog =)

My body is tired.