I'ved started seriously reading my past journal entries, starting with when I first moved to the US. It's been very revealing and it's crazy how many things foreshadowed my impending future. It's funny, because there have been moments while reading all these really, really intense entries where I realize how much it subconsciously shaped me...
I wasn't even aware of these motives and opinions that I had, and certainly didn't elaborate very much back then, but they are early signs of discontent, of depression, loneliness, and a huge internal struggle with the northern virginia deathly bland culture. THen there were these huge pressures to assimialte into american culture. Then there's the sexual confusion coupled with media representations of sexuality and pressures to be extroverted and sexy... and i allude to all of that but only because i know in hindsight...
and it got me to thinking about the 5th dimension again, because reading my past was like transcending time. I couldn't read the more recent stuff as detached like, but i had a moment... practically a spiritual moment, where it all came together...
especially when my journal ended, the one that i finished right before freshman year of college.... I have a very hopeful tone, and it sounds like i'm about to die because my journals coming to an end and I say "If i were to die i'd regret not having those moments, sitting on the porch with friends drinking beer and talking and playing music, and i regret not seeing our next president, or to see the legalization of marijuana, or to impact the world in any way..."
Anyway, its amazing that my dreams then came true in the next 4 years. I saw my next president, and I practically every day sat on a porch with friends. It's been amazing and I'm so thankful.
I practically ran around to my mother and father (who still don't really understand me lol) showing them how funny my life has been, how its all come together now, and sorta basking in the glory of it all....
I feel like I just emerged from this awful past... I mean, it wasn't really all that awful. Just a few bad boyfriends and some trauma, but nothing eternally deadly... just temporarily... But ontop of personal stuff i went through, i feel like the country, the world went through a lot... and I've always understood a broad range of emotions/personalities/circumstances... That's another thing i learned from my journals... I have a strange ability to empathize with the craziest of the crazies and it's landed me in some trouble.
Anyway, the fact that the worlds been going through such a tough time hugely upsets me, and so its hard to watch the news. Local news is the worst, its full of pedophiles, accidents, deaths, shootings, and political scandals. I hate it. It's so gossipy, and meanwhile in Iran there are innocent protesters being killed by a corrupt government. The world really is suffering and it hurts so bad to see it on tv and not be able to do anything about it.
I've avoided the news on a large scale during college, but its near impossible here because my dad is addicted to news gossip. Anyway, i'm tired and will go outside now to enjoy the view of this oppressive house from the outside. It's a lovely view that way, wtih the fireflies coinciding their bleeps with the light shining from the cars driving down Lee Highway. And behind the blinking lights of the fireflies in the trees is the blinking lights from planes about to land at Dulles airport.
The house truly is the most marvelous at night. No wonder i've become a night owl. I won't let the darkness scare me. I trust that the moon shall guide me.
Wednesday 24 June 2009
Friday 19 June 2009
History
I can't conceive of a patriarchal monarchic god, up there in the sky. That interpretation of Lord, King of Kings, our Warrior King, is one of a medieval time, when the greatest thing they could collectively conceive of was a king of kings, a king of warriors, a commander from above that serves as a fatherly figure shaking his finger at you, instilling a fear, a respect for the higher power.
The way that I have come to interpret it is as a 5th dimension, one beyond what I can perceive. It's less personifiable, maybe because I'm able to grasp abstract concepts better than those who came before the humancentric enlightenment, the age of science, which forced us to acknowledge our perceptive handicaps.
We can't, with a naked eye, see the cells in the plant, or the formation of an embryo, or an intergalactic explosion! But we're forced to accept these as reality. Our ability to fly discounted the idea that God was up there physically, and the personification of God as a man faltered.
Yet its convenient so we hold on to it even today. Jesus, the white man descending from the sky in a white robe... We know very well that it's inaccurate and that its a false visual representation, tainted by historic injustices and prejudices... But that's okay, because its the message we care about, not the race of Jesus, right?
But Jesus, first of all, was all about accepting the neighbor (I think this also means them black and brown folks from across the pond or railroad track.) He was all for peace in the middle east. I won't even get into all the mistrnaslations and misinterpretation of cultural idioms from Armaic-->Hebrew-->Greek-->Latin-->German-->English. But they DO amount to something very important:
Mythology isn't important. It doesn't matter whether or not Jesus was the son of God or if we were all children of God, or that we're all divine or if Jesus was the only one who was divine. It does matter, though, that mythology is destructive. Hell is not a PLACE, rather, a feeling. "Hades" the place outside the city where they burn the trash, the psychological torment that you may go through after committing an unripe act... not a WRONG act, just an unripe act.
Mythology breeds intolerance, forgetting the big picture, the idea that all religions have in common:
Love.
Not romantic love, necessarily, but philial love, agapeistic love. God is a feeling, or perhaps its a scientific truth that we haven't discovered yet. Perhaps there are really vibrations that make up all of existence, or maybe all existence is made up of tiny strings and those strings are little gods, working together in a greater understanding of God. Or perhaps god is just the way a tree or flower grows, the mathematical pattern allowing for life to continue. Maybe god is sustainability, harmony.
I've had the most intense (non-drug related) spiritual experiences playing music. Of course, it can be argued that music is a drug, but definitely less directly so! It's this wonderful feeling of surrender, because you are comforted by the fact that everything fits together.
When I move to san francisco i am going to go church hopping and see if i can find any church music groups to join. I'm sure they have a lot of alternative spirituality stuff going on in san francisco... home to the satanic church of anton lavey.
The way that I have come to interpret it is as a 5th dimension, one beyond what I can perceive. It's less personifiable, maybe because I'm able to grasp abstract concepts better than those who came before the humancentric enlightenment, the age of science, which forced us to acknowledge our perceptive handicaps.
We can't, with a naked eye, see the cells in the plant, or the formation of an embryo, or an intergalactic explosion! But we're forced to accept these as reality. Our ability to fly discounted the idea that God was up there physically, and the personification of God as a man faltered.
Yet its convenient so we hold on to it even today. Jesus, the white man descending from the sky in a white robe... We know very well that it's inaccurate and that its a false visual representation, tainted by historic injustices and prejudices... But that's okay, because its the message we care about, not the race of Jesus, right?
But Jesus, first of all, was all about accepting the neighbor (I think this also means them black and brown folks from across the pond or railroad track.) He was all for peace in the middle east. I won't even get into all the mistrnaslations and misinterpretation of cultural idioms from Armaic-->Hebrew-->Greek-->Latin-->German-->English. But they DO amount to something very important:
Mythology isn't important. It doesn't matter whether or not Jesus was the son of God or if we were all children of God, or that we're all divine or if Jesus was the only one who was divine. It does matter, though, that mythology is destructive. Hell is not a PLACE, rather, a feeling. "Hades" the place outside the city where they burn the trash, the psychological torment that you may go through after committing an unripe act... not a WRONG act, just an unripe act.
Mythology breeds intolerance, forgetting the big picture, the idea that all religions have in common:
Love.
Not romantic love, necessarily, but philial love, agapeistic love. God is a feeling, or perhaps its a scientific truth that we haven't discovered yet. Perhaps there are really vibrations that make up all of existence, or maybe all existence is made up of tiny strings and those strings are little gods, working together in a greater understanding of God. Or perhaps god is just the way a tree or flower grows, the mathematical pattern allowing for life to continue. Maybe god is sustainability, harmony.
I've had the most intense (non-drug related) spiritual experiences playing music. Of course, it can be argued that music is a drug, but definitely less directly so! It's this wonderful feeling of surrender, because you are comforted by the fact that everything fits together.
When I move to san francisco i am going to go church hopping and see if i can find any church music groups to join. I'm sure they have a lot of alternative spirituality stuff going on in san francisco... home to the satanic church of anton lavey.
Tuesday 9 June 2009
celebrate
Life is so big... you can go through it and not experience the full range of emotions, or you can really delve into the depth of all it has to offer. The past few days have felt very emotional, truly reflecting on my life and how I've lived it so far... being okay with it and being at peace with all the missed opportunities as well as the straight up mistakes which have all contributed to who I am today.
The regret is so difficult to deal with because since I was little I never let myself regret as it is a wasted emotion, but it is a really good one, I realize now. Her name was Ella, the one who said that regret is a wasted emotion. It was at the beginning stages of adolescence that she said that, but she may even disagree with her 13 year old self now, too. Regret can really set you straight, and is absolutely crucial for change.
The past few days have been, not only filled with regret, but with appreciation and celebration of my life. Not only that I get to appreciate a life to begin with, but I am amazed at the creative capacity of humans (and the destructive capacity) but both are two sides of the same coin, one necessitating the other.
Human connnection is incredibly importnat to me at this point of my life. And not individual connections, necessarily, but a connectedness to a greater whole, which of course, can be reached through individuals and single interactions. I have been blessed in the last few days by being able to spend time with some people who I just understand, and who seem to understand me at a quite uncomfortably deep level. It's strange how some people you meet and get along with immediately, whereas others, even if you know they are great people, you just can't seem to break that first layer of acquaintance.
Moving to San Francisco will be a good move. I know it. The close proximity to a wide variety of people, as well as relatively close access to mountains, as well as staying in a hub of creativity... I think I'll be alright. I was scared of losing myself in a big city, but if college has done anything for me its that I'm now ready for that challenge to keep my head on my shoulders amidst the chaos that represents the city. Hey, at least its not New York.
Blue... Green... Water... People...
I'm excited.
I told somebody my life story today. I felt sheepish about it, like I hadn't done it in forever... I guess I haven't in a while, and I felt bad subjecting her to it, but its really good to recap where I've been... It puts me in context. Sometimes I forget to look at the little picture. I've been thinking of myself in context with history, and so I forgot to look at myself in context of myself... It's a lot less pressure that way! Cos I'm doign quite well compared to where I was before.
History is full of prodiges and inventors, and in that contex I haven't done shit, so its nice to know that I put a bad man in jail, overcame a difficult relationship, travelled solo in foreign countries, played a sport competitively, educated myself, and just... in general done alright. Of course there's room for improvement: I could be more emotionally available and honest, be at ease with my creative ability, treat people nicer with more understanding, be closer to godliness more often, let go of my past more, be at ease with and accept my sexuality,... but all in all i'm okay. My problems don't seem inconquerable any longer, which is really amazing. I guess that's what depression is, when you feel like your problems are greater than you... But they really weren't, it was a matter of outlook, because when I told Grace my current troubles, she reacted like it was a very difficult thing to cope with, but I feel like its completely manageable. Her empathy would have been a great comfort a few years ago, but now it seems unnecessary! I'm certainly not problem free, but i am so incredibly lucky in so many ways.
I never forgot that, but that knowledge can be difficult to cope with as well... Guilty privilege... but that's beside the point, because this is a celebration blog =)
My body is tired.
The regret is so difficult to deal with because since I was little I never let myself regret as it is a wasted emotion, but it is a really good one, I realize now. Her name was Ella, the one who said that regret is a wasted emotion. It was at the beginning stages of adolescence that she said that, but she may even disagree with her 13 year old self now, too. Regret can really set you straight, and is absolutely crucial for change.
The past few days have been, not only filled with regret, but with appreciation and celebration of my life. Not only that I get to appreciate a life to begin with, but I am amazed at the creative capacity of humans (and the destructive capacity) but both are two sides of the same coin, one necessitating the other.
Human connnection is incredibly importnat to me at this point of my life. And not individual connections, necessarily, but a connectedness to a greater whole, which of course, can be reached through individuals and single interactions. I have been blessed in the last few days by being able to spend time with some people who I just understand, and who seem to understand me at a quite uncomfortably deep level. It's strange how some people you meet and get along with immediately, whereas others, even if you know they are great people, you just can't seem to break that first layer of acquaintance.
Moving to San Francisco will be a good move. I know it. The close proximity to a wide variety of people, as well as relatively close access to mountains, as well as staying in a hub of creativity... I think I'll be alright. I was scared of losing myself in a big city, but if college has done anything for me its that I'm now ready for that challenge to keep my head on my shoulders amidst the chaos that represents the city. Hey, at least its not New York.
Blue... Green... Water... People...
I'm excited.
I told somebody my life story today. I felt sheepish about it, like I hadn't done it in forever... I guess I haven't in a while, and I felt bad subjecting her to it, but its really good to recap where I've been... It puts me in context. Sometimes I forget to look at the little picture. I've been thinking of myself in context with history, and so I forgot to look at myself in context of myself... It's a lot less pressure that way! Cos I'm doign quite well compared to where I was before.
History is full of prodiges and inventors, and in that contex I haven't done shit, so its nice to know that I put a bad man in jail, overcame a difficult relationship, travelled solo in foreign countries, played a sport competitively, educated myself, and just... in general done alright. Of course there's room for improvement: I could be more emotionally available and honest, be at ease with my creative ability, treat people nicer with more understanding, be closer to godliness more often, let go of my past more, be at ease with and accept my sexuality,... but all in all i'm okay. My problems don't seem inconquerable any longer, which is really amazing. I guess that's what depression is, when you feel like your problems are greater than you... But they really weren't, it was a matter of outlook, because when I told Grace my current troubles, she reacted like it was a very difficult thing to cope with, but I feel like its completely manageable. Her empathy would have been a great comfort a few years ago, but now it seems unnecessary! I'm certainly not problem free, but i am so incredibly lucky in so many ways.
I never forgot that, but that knowledge can be difficult to cope with as well... Guilty privilege... but that's beside the point, because this is a celebration blog =)
My body is tired.
Monday 8 June 2009
a moment
Inspired by a greater spirit... that's the feeling that i've been feeling deprived of. And i wouldn't feel deprived of it, had i never experienced it before. But in that moment, when time is revealed to be an illusion and the space between i and i becomes only an imagined separation it is ecstacy.
(watch Elizabeth Gilbert's amazing talk on creativity on Ted.com)Those moments are amazing, and I thankfully experienced it last night. It was, once again, in a drum circle. It sounds incredibly hippyish and i'm sorta embarrassed but music is such an effective means for me to reach that state. people drumming, making music in time, emotion and rhythm, fluctuating together in an abstract understanding of what was going on...
That same night I was talking to this guy who on the surface seemed incredibly unmotivated and without passion, but when talking him realized the depth and synchronicity was uncanny. It's strange when you meet somebody whom you don't think you will understand, but then they say things that YOU know, but you didn't know THEY knew... And nothing overt, but just in a i-see-the-world-like-this-too sort of way.
It always shocks me when that happens. There are certain sentiments that I hold that I don't assume others share. So when others assume that I share a sentiment that I in fact, do, it catches me off guard... it makes me question whether or not I trust people enough to understand me...
It's that feeling when somebody says something that yo'uve briefly thought about once... A thought that did not quite make it to consciousness, but then somebody else elaborates it FOR you. and it's like "ohhh, that's what that feeling I had was."
Why do emotions precede thoughts?
Human connection is the most effective tool, especially combined with music, to get in that spiritual zone...
Here is something i heard today from a friend: Spirituality is a neo-liberal way to make white people feel okay about themselves.
Maybe it's an irrelevant comment, but I felt like I wanted to reflect on that a little bit... I think "neo-liberal" in this context means the politically correct type, where white people feel badly about having historically colonized browner people and so make up for it by rejecting the superficialities of an oppressive religion, yet maintaining the spiritual effects of it...
The "neo-liberal" reminds me of this woman, Annie, who is a stepmother of a guy I know. She is a self-proclaimed yogi, teaches yoga and meditation, lights incense, eats vegetarian, and is quite concerned with harmony. Maybe deep down, it is just a way for her to alleviate white-guilt, but at least she is trying to transcend the filth and grime of human history... Or the wonder of innovation and revolution... Or an okayness with it all...
i was watching Lady Gaga today, and I was so positive that she was kidding, that she was a caricature of the media and pop music and that she was facetiously and successfully trashy in an ironic commentary on the materialism and ego that permeates pop culture. Then i learned she wasn't serious... what does this have to do with spirituality? hm... i'm not sure. there was a connection there but i lost it.
I watched Up today, too, but that's completely irrelevant, but I'd liek to write about that movie specifically. It's right up there with Wall-E in the Pixar/animation/Disney history...
I love that film is a way in which society can work out its anxieties and desires. It lets me know where we're at in the historical timeline of human events. God is at work in all of this, even the filth and grime.
I'm just incredibly tired. its 3am. i really should sleep. The point: THere was a spiritually successful drum circle.
(watch Elizabeth Gilbert's amazing talk on creativity on Ted.com)Those moments are amazing, and I thankfully experienced it last night. It was, once again, in a drum circle. It sounds incredibly hippyish and i'm sorta embarrassed but music is such an effective means for me to reach that state. people drumming, making music in time, emotion and rhythm, fluctuating together in an abstract understanding of what was going on...
That same night I was talking to this guy who on the surface seemed incredibly unmotivated and without passion, but when talking him realized the depth and synchronicity was uncanny. It's strange when you meet somebody whom you don't think you will understand, but then they say things that YOU know, but you didn't know THEY knew... And nothing overt, but just in a i-see-the-world-like-this-too sort of way.
It always shocks me when that happens. There are certain sentiments that I hold that I don't assume others share. So when others assume that I share a sentiment that I in fact, do, it catches me off guard... it makes me question whether or not I trust people enough to understand me...
It's that feeling when somebody says something that yo'uve briefly thought about once... A thought that did not quite make it to consciousness, but then somebody else elaborates it FOR you. and it's like "ohhh, that's what that feeling I had was."
Why do emotions precede thoughts?
Human connection is the most effective tool, especially combined with music, to get in that spiritual zone...
Here is something i heard today from a friend: Spirituality is a neo-liberal way to make white people feel okay about themselves.
Maybe it's an irrelevant comment, but I felt like I wanted to reflect on that a little bit... I think "neo-liberal" in this context means the politically correct type, where white people feel badly about having historically colonized browner people and so make up for it by rejecting the superficialities of an oppressive religion, yet maintaining the spiritual effects of it...
The "neo-liberal" reminds me of this woman, Annie, who is a stepmother of a guy I know. She is a self-proclaimed yogi, teaches yoga and meditation, lights incense, eats vegetarian, and is quite concerned with harmony. Maybe deep down, it is just a way for her to alleviate white-guilt, but at least she is trying to transcend the filth and grime of human history... Or the wonder of innovation and revolution... Or an okayness with it all...
i was watching Lady Gaga today, and I was so positive that she was kidding, that she was a caricature of the media and pop music and that she was facetiously and successfully trashy in an ironic commentary on the materialism and ego that permeates pop culture. Then i learned she wasn't serious... what does this have to do with spirituality? hm... i'm not sure. there was a connection there but i lost it.
I watched Up today, too, but that's completely irrelevant, but I'd liek to write about that movie specifically. It's right up there with Wall-E in the Pixar/animation/Disney history...
I love that film is a way in which society can work out its anxieties and desires. It lets me know where we're at in the historical timeline of human events. God is at work in all of this, even the filth and grime.
I'm just incredibly tired. its 3am. i really should sleep. The point: THere was a spiritually successful drum circle.
Thursday 4 June 2009
Acknowldgment
I realize now what i have to do. and to mark my seriousness, I am starting a blog! I have been plagued with this feeling of discontent, of irritation and a general stuckness. I just graduated from college and was practically pressured into grad school. But what I really want to do is remove myself from all this. I experienced the freedom of free-form travelling before, and my soul craves it so much. There's a general sense of being alive that encapsulates me when I'm in that flow. Whenever I encounter backpackers I can secondhandedly feel that spirit, and it rejuvenates me. I'll go to grad school, I'll learn about photography, I'll make some money in the meantime... but after that it is absolutely crucial that I experience the world... Sure, i'll experience it, but there is such an incredible amount of pressure that I need to escape from that will undoubtedly prevent me from being the greatest that i can be.
This civilization, this forward moving civilization of progress and productivity and high expectations is killing my soul. And the pressure has always been there, slowly crushing me under its weight. But I broke down yesterday, and its because I felt that the direction my life was going in was undesirable. I'm so friggin young, and I'm at that crossroad and transition period in which I decide where the rest of my life is going to go.
I feel silly saying this, but I shouldn't... it's just the way the internet makes me feel... that there will be at least one person out there that will judge me and say "she's crazy" or something, and of course there will be plenty of people who will say "right on!" or even "duh, girl. Of course."
But I need to chase my spirit. I have felt, since moving back to the suburbs, that this capitalist, consumerist, linear-timed society is not for me. And i used to think it was just my animal nature, craving some old-time hunting, gathering, and wandering, but that is my nature. That's a big deal.
I don't know what it will take to transcend this... Thoreau moved into the woods, and I feel like I have to take some extreme measure to be happiest. Otherwise I'll always be plagued with this sense of unfulfillment, like I'm not living up to my expectations...
Throughout history, the famous ones have been outcasts of society. And I want to blend in so much, but it's impossible. I will only blend in as a World Citizen, because Americans will never believe me when I say I'm American. And that's fine... I love being an American, but if they're not going to let me be one of them, fine. I'll just travel the world and feel at home in my own shoes, without feeling like I've been rejected. And I'll always love my tribe, and the home that exists in my memory, but in order to truly feel alive I need to feel like the world is my home again.
College somehow made me realize this, while simultaneously robbing me of this... It gave me a false sense of home, letting me feel comfortable with one specific geographical and social home, and making me feel more alienating from the greater picture.
^That part was a ramble and maybe didn't make quite as much sense as I would like it to...
Here is the plan:
I will go to graduate school as my final duty to society. Afterwards, I will move in the direction that life pushes me, and I will keep pushing outwards until I am free to break loose...
Okay, so that's not a specific plan... it's more like a metaphorical desire... but... but...
but...
what do i do?
This civilization, this forward moving civilization of progress and productivity and high expectations is killing my soul. And the pressure has always been there, slowly crushing me under its weight. But I broke down yesterday, and its because I felt that the direction my life was going in was undesirable. I'm so friggin young, and I'm at that crossroad and transition period in which I decide where the rest of my life is going to go.
I feel silly saying this, but I shouldn't... it's just the way the internet makes me feel... that there will be at least one person out there that will judge me and say "she's crazy" or something, and of course there will be plenty of people who will say "right on!" or even "duh, girl. Of course."
But I need to chase my spirit. I have felt, since moving back to the suburbs, that this capitalist, consumerist, linear-timed society is not for me. And i used to think it was just my animal nature, craving some old-time hunting, gathering, and wandering, but that is my nature. That's a big deal.
I don't know what it will take to transcend this... Thoreau moved into the woods, and I feel like I have to take some extreme measure to be happiest. Otherwise I'll always be plagued with this sense of unfulfillment, like I'm not living up to my expectations...
Throughout history, the famous ones have been outcasts of society. And I want to blend in so much, but it's impossible. I will only blend in as a World Citizen, because Americans will never believe me when I say I'm American. And that's fine... I love being an American, but if they're not going to let me be one of them, fine. I'll just travel the world and feel at home in my own shoes, without feeling like I've been rejected. And I'll always love my tribe, and the home that exists in my memory, but in order to truly feel alive I need to feel like the world is my home again.
College somehow made me realize this, while simultaneously robbing me of this... It gave me a false sense of home, letting me feel comfortable with one specific geographical and social home, and making me feel more alienating from the greater picture.
^That part was a ramble and maybe didn't make quite as much sense as I would like it to...
Here is the plan:
I will go to graduate school as my final duty to society. Afterwards, I will move in the direction that life pushes me, and I will keep pushing outwards until I am free to break loose...
Okay, so that's not a specific plan... it's more like a metaphorical desire... but... but...
but...
what do i do?
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