Looking back

I'ved started seriously reading my past journal entries, starting with when I first moved to the US. It's been very revealing and it's crazy how many things foreshadowed my impending future. It's funny, because there have been moments while reading all these really, really intense entries where I realize how much it subconsciously shaped me...

I wasn't even aware of these motives and opinions that I had, and certainly didn't elaborate very much back then, but they are early signs of discontent, of depression, loneliness, and a huge internal struggle with the northern virginia deathly bland culture. THen there were these huge pressures to assimialte into american culture. Then there's the sexual confusion coupled with media representations of sexuality and pressures to be extroverted and sexy... and i allude to all of that but only because i know in hindsight...

and it got me to thinking about the 5th dimension again, because reading my past was like transcending time. I couldn't read the more recent stuff as detached like, but i had a moment... practically a spiritual moment, where it all came together...

especially when my journal ended, the one that i finished right before freshman year of college.... I have a very hopeful tone, and it sounds like i'm about to die because my journals coming to an end and I say "If i were to die i'd regret not having those moments, sitting on the porch with friends drinking beer and talking and playing music, and i regret not seeing our next president, or to see the legalization of marijuana, or to impact the world in any way..."

Anyway, its amazing that my dreams then came true in the next 4 years. I saw my next president, and I practically every day sat on a porch with friends. It's been amazing and I'm so thankful.

I practically ran around to my mother and father (who still don't really understand me lol) showing them how funny my life has been, how its all come together now, and sorta basking in the glory of it all....

I feel like I just emerged from this awful past... I mean, it wasn't really all that awful. Just a few bad boyfriends and some trauma, but nothing eternally deadly... just temporarily... But ontop of personal stuff i went through, i feel like the country, the world went through a lot... and I've always understood a broad range of emotions/personalities/circumstances... That's another thing i learned from my journals... I have a strange ability to empathize with the craziest of the crazies and it's landed me in some trouble.

Anyway, the fact that the worlds been going through such a tough time hugely upsets me, and so its hard to watch the news. Local news is the worst, its full of pedophiles, accidents, deaths, shootings, and political scandals. I hate it. It's so gossipy, and meanwhile in Iran there are innocent protesters being killed by a corrupt government. The world really is suffering and it hurts so bad to see it on tv and not be able to do anything about it.

I've avoided the news on a large scale during college, but its near impossible here because my dad is addicted to news gossip. Anyway, i'm tired and will go outside now to enjoy the view of this oppressive house from the outside. It's a lovely view that way, wtih the fireflies coinciding their bleeps with the light shining from the cars driving down Lee Highway. And behind the blinking lights of the fireflies in the trees is the blinking lights from planes about to land at Dulles airport.

The house truly is the most marvelous at night. No wonder i've become a night owl. I won't let the darkness scare me. I trust that the moon shall guide me.