Acknowldgment

I realize now what i have to do. and to mark my seriousness, I am starting a blog! I have been plagued with this feeling of discontent, of irritation and a general stuckness. I just graduated from college and was practically pressured into grad school. But what I really want to do is remove myself from all this. I experienced the freedom of free-form travelling before, and my soul craves it so much. There's a general sense of being alive that encapsulates me when I'm in that flow. Whenever I encounter backpackers I can secondhandedly feel that spirit, and it rejuvenates me. I'll go to grad school, I'll learn about photography, I'll make some money in the meantime... but after that it is absolutely crucial that I experience the world... Sure, i'll experience it, but there is such an incredible amount of pressure that I need to escape from that will undoubtedly prevent me from being the greatest that i can be.

This civilization, this forward moving civilization of progress and productivity and high expectations is killing my soul. And the pressure has always been there, slowly crushing me under its weight. But I broke down yesterday, and its because I felt that the direction my life was going in was undesirable. I'm so friggin young, and I'm at that crossroad and transition period in which I decide where the rest of my life is going to go.

I feel silly saying this, but I shouldn't... it's just the way the internet makes me feel... that there will be at least one person out there that will judge me and say "she's crazy" or something, and of course there will be plenty of people who will say "right on!" or even "duh, girl. Of course."

But I need to chase my spirit. I have felt, since moving back to the suburbs, that this capitalist, consumerist, linear-timed society is not for me. And i used to think it was just my animal nature, craving some old-time hunting, gathering, and wandering, but that is my nature. That's a big deal.

I don't know what it will take to transcend this... Thoreau moved into the woods, and I feel like I have to take some extreme measure to be happiest. Otherwise I'll always be plagued with this sense of unfulfillment, like I'm not living up to my expectations...

Throughout history, the famous ones have been outcasts of society. And I want to blend in so much, but it's impossible. I will only blend in as a World Citizen, because Americans will never believe me when I say I'm American. And that's fine... I love being an American, but if they're not going to let me be one of them, fine. I'll just travel the world and feel at home in my own shoes, without feeling like I've been rejected. And I'll always love my tribe, and the home that exists in my memory, but in order to truly feel alive I need to feel like the world is my home again.

College somehow made me realize this, while simultaneously robbing me of this... It gave me a false sense of home, letting me feel comfortable with one specific geographical and social home, and making me feel more alienating from the greater picture.

^That part was a ramble and maybe didn't make quite as much sense as I would like it to...


Here is the plan:
I will go to graduate school as my final duty to society. Afterwards, I will move in the direction that life pushes me, and I will keep pushing outwards until I am free to break loose...

Okay, so that's not a specific plan... it's more like a metaphorical desire... but... but...

but...

what do i do?