I was reading this poem out loud from Saul Williams. It's an excerpt of his Diary, I think. I feel as if Saul Williams and I speak the same metaphysical language. It's creepy, because I feel like he's my prophet. He says everything I feel already in words and ideas and metaphors that I understand. Anyway:
Delegate of the Unconventional
Member of the Society-less
Author of the In between
The graffiti on the
Whitewashed wall
of the institution,
now crumbled,
Has become
the cornerstone
of our compound.
Compounded dreams
Distilled vessels, refilled
belief systems
Will be billed
Payable to
Who you pray to
If you wish
To pay in person
Addresses may vary
According to beliefs
Some will have to die first
Some may have to suffer
And be free from desires
Some may have to purge themselves,
Fast, cover their heads, think less
Of women, beat their children, abstain
From the secular world...
Yet others may simply be
Themselves
And in being and embracing
All aspects of the mtoher:
Patience, responsibility,
Compassion, open-heartedness
They will find themselves
Provided for, they will find
Their dreams fulfilled, they
Will find their spirits nurtured,
And their hearts healed.
Friday 31 July 2009
Friday 24 July 2009
Summer 2009
Gratefully Dead
It’s a different world here. I try to explain the people I meet herewhere I’m coming from. One year of probation, william and mary, virginia, northern virginia... I wandered around the city and headed towards Golden Gate Park to find this famous “hippie hill.” There were a bunch of hobos at a bench, smoking and playing guitar. It felt like a nice vibe, but I didn’t trust them so instead I played ukulele on the hill behind them. Eventually, I met some friends and those hobos at the bottom of the hill. One was wearing a Fantasia Mickey mouse wizards hat and a tie-dye Grateful Dead shirt. Another kid was wearing a yellow beret hat and a coors light salvation army jacket with a patch of an old shirt on his sleeve. The patch was apparently also of an old grateful dead shirt that had gotten so old and worn that it had to go. I couldn’t imagine how bad it must have been, because the Coors Light jacket was pretty dirty itself. The kid with the fantasia wizards hat ketp saying VIVA LA FRANCE! he's moroccan and guatamalan and was raised in nigeria. the other kid with the beret was the happiest kid in the world ever since that lsd trip a few weeks ago. it apparently put everything right for him.
Anyway, another girl was wearing a military jacket over a tie-dye sweatshirt that was at least 3 sizes too big for her, and her neck was adorned with peace and shrooms necklaces and were obviously made of hemp. She had just had her sleeping bag stolen from her and was trying to figure out a way to have a warm night outside. This other kid, with a red worn out bandana around his forehead was trying to get 4 dollars so that he could get butane (?) to make hash out of marijuana, and would get random folks to contribute and was living day to day doing that. But they were all such a pleasure to be around. They didn’t do anything more than weed and understood very well how dangerous the other shti could be. they're living on the edge of insanity, balancing their minds through community if that makes any sense... sorta like waht we do at w&m and 919... keeping like minded people around us so we don't feel like the fucked up ones =)
They stayed away from speed and heroine, and were just living for love, pretty much, trusting the way of the universe, getrting what they need and enjoying what they have. This one guy had a dog on a leash made of a belt, and whenever people would ask how are you, his reply was "Can't complain. if i did i'd be an asshole." It was an amazing environment and I was so touched by these peoples lifestyles. I joined them to go to the youth program where they would be fed by some kind hearted citizens, not even church related, just humanist. Eventually these kids, even the old ones, started to all look like the Lost Boys of peter pan, while retaining all the romanticism of the Lost Boys, playing dress up, trading hats for joints, giving away crackers and cookies. They talked about their lives at this youth program, while being fed and drinking through cereal straws (which is super weird, btw.) We ate cheese sandwiches with ketchup and mustard, and broccoli with ranch. I didn’t really eat much because I had no appetite. I was too overwhelmed with the grace that surrounded the volunteer at the door. She had a lip ring and two huge gauges, and a smile as big as the room. She was like “let’s talk about substance use and abuse!” and talked to these kids on shrooms about the effects of ecstacy and cocaine. These kids never did ecstacy or cocaine, but had been around plenty of people who had been affected by that shit.
They lived deep fucking lives. This one kid, the only one of his family who is still in San Francisco, who was really into grateful dead, spent 8 months in jail because his brother was on his 3rd strike so this guy had to take the blame for his brother because they had already lost a brother to an overdose.
He had a mood ring on his finger that turned black the day his brother died. I hoped throughout the day, if I filled it with enough joy (which he was definitely contributing to) that it would turn pink or purple, but it stayed black. He had a limp from a skateboard accident, and his little feet hurt as he walked up and down Haight-Ashbury. He showed me how to get home and he was a very kind friend with a pure heart. The kids in the neighborhood called this boy Taki, the peace keeper. He ahd a giant peace sign on a chain that was made in 1972 at a peace-meditation gathering, wehre people would get together and pray for peace.
I’ve been raised in an environment that ridiculed these people for their lifestyles, but they just didn’t choose capitalism, or were victims of capitalism. It’s a shitshow to see. I watched a guy get busted for shrooms, and some undercover cop was patting this guy down…
There’s a good cop bad cop dynamic here that is really interesting. I met the Elder of golden gate park (GGP), his name was Philip, and he’s got family in the police force. He sat at a table for breakfast with his dad who was an officer, so he knows and respects cops. But he is the peaceful seller of herb on a hill in GGP. But Phil said most cops were cool and understood that cops are there to serve the people, not bust them and if you’re not causing any trouble they’ll leave you alone. But he also sadi there were those cops who can’t get used to the idea of having freedoms like smoking herb on a hill, and will try to bust any kid for a little bit of pot. They have the right to, after all.
Within 4 years, I hope marijuana is legal here, because this shit is not a crime, and its ignoring the real problem. Seeing the youth program operate was a huge heart warmer. This girl, Krista (?) and these two other volunteers, out of pure curiosity and good will, talked to these Lost Kids about their lives and problems. It was amazing. Feeding them, giving them bus tickets, food, health services, and not judging them. It was marvelous. Then I got home, and my sister and my mom and my sisters boyfriend are all worried about me because I’m getting to know these strangers. These hobos. These “addicts.” But nobody I met was an addict! I interacted with a few addicts, and even understood some of them. Some of them mumbled to themselves and were in their own world and two of them were a little touchy about what you said to them, but I was with the peace keeper, and he made every situation a pleasant one. I am so overwhelmed with emotion at that point, because…
There was this rasta man who asked me where I was from. I said I just moved from DC, and he asked me where my eyes were from. And I got offended, cos I’m from fucking Virginia, where that’s not okay because if I said I’m from America, I’m from America and if you’re questioning that then you’re a racist and need to be put in your place. I automatically got defensive. Then Taki goes up to this guy, I’m already half a block away, huffing and puffing in anger. Then Taki brings the guy back and the Rasta Man tells me about how I may be a mix of races but I’m also so much deeper than that, but he just wanted to know what my lineage was, where I came from, that my lineage is reflective of who I am now, though it does not define me because it is so much more than the sum of my parts… or something like that.
I didn’t have my notebook with me these last two days. I don’t even have a notebook right now, because I can never fin da Barnes and Nobles with all these hippie stores haha I want a moleskin and have a gift card for a Barnes and Nobles so I’m waiting for that, yknow? Anyway, a lot of good stuffh as happened, and I’ve had my heart broken by my family. I love them very dearly, but we clearly have vey different values. I get along very well with my mother, and I feel like I’m trying to make her see from my eyes. And she’s trying, but she’s a mother so she’s worried.
I want to live a life I can write about. A life like I lived in the last two days. I might smell a little bit, and my finger nails might get dirty, but I’ll learn a lot and be able to create something out of the rubble of lives created by the city of broken dreams: San Francisco.
The dreams are coming alive again, though. Everybody feels it if they’re in tune. I’m utterly convinced that we are on the brink of a shift of consciousness. Maybe 2012 prophecies were accurate. I can’t think that all those thinkers of the past who invested so much energy in the philosophy of 2012 could all be wrong! The stars, the cycles of history, all make sense, really. It’s hard to see it in linear time, though. I see us emerging out of a very dark period (the 1969s to 2009). Reagan, Johnson, Nixon, Bush, Clinton, Bush, and now Obama. Obama is a little shine of light on this whole situation and the citizens are starting to feel like we can accomplish something. With Bush it was pointless. Why even fight? The white man is going to oppress is anyway. Sure, Obama is part of the system, but we know how to do this from the inside. We’ve learned our lesson. The government will be the government. It just has to be us, then.
We’re having a 40th anniversary of Woodstock celebration in October. I hope its successful. This feels like my summer of love, if that makes sense. It’ll make sense to half of you, or maybe less… well there are 10 kinds of people. If you’re the 0 you understand. If you’re the 1, you don’t. That’s binary, btw.
It’s a different world here. I try to explain the people I meet herewhere I’m coming from. One year of probation, william and mary, virginia, northern virginia... I wandered around the city and headed towards Golden Gate Park to find this famous “hippie hill.” There were a bunch of hobos at a bench, smoking and playing guitar. It felt like a nice vibe, but I didn’t trust them so instead I played ukulele on the hill behind them. Eventually, I met some friends and those hobos at the bottom of the hill. One was wearing a Fantasia Mickey mouse wizards hat and a tie-dye Grateful Dead shirt. Another kid was wearing a yellow beret hat and a coors light salvation army jacket with a patch of an old shirt on his sleeve. The patch was apparently also of an old grateful dead shirt that had gotten so old and worn that it had to go. I couldn’t imagine how bad it must have been, because the Coors Light jacket was pretty dirty itself. The kid with the fantasia wizards hat ketp saying VIVA LA FRANCE! he's moroccan and guatamalan and was raised in nigeria. the other kid with the beret was the happiest kid in the world ever since that lsd trip a few weeks ago. it apparently put everything right for him.
Anyway, another girl was wearing a military jacket over a tie-dye sweatshirt that was at least 3 sizes too big for her, and her neck was adorned with peace and shrooms necklaces and were obviously made of hemp. She had just had her sleeping bag stolen from her and was trying to figure out a way to have a warm night outside. This other kid, with a red worn out bandana around his forehead was trying to get 4 dollars so that he could get butane (?) to make hash out of marijuana, and would get random folks to contribute and was living day to day doing that. But they were all such a pleasure to be around. They didn’t do anything more than weed and understood very well how dangerous the other shti could be. they're living on the edge of insanity, balancing their minds through community if that makes any sense... sorta like waht we do at w&m and 919... keeping like minded people around us so we don't feel like the fucked up ones =)
They stayed away from speed and heroine, and were just living for love, pretty much, trusting the way of the universe, getrting what they need and enjoying what they have. This one guy had a dog on a leash made of a belt, and whenever people would ask how are you, his reply was "Can't complain. if i did i'd be an asshole." It was an amazing environment and I was so touched by these peoples lifestyles. I joined them to go to the youth program where they would be fed by some kind hearted citizens, not even church related, just humanist. Eventually these kids, even the old ones, started to all look like the Lost Boys of peter pan, while retaining all the romanticism of the Lost Boys, playing dress up, trading hats for joints, giving away crackers and cookies. They talked about their lives at this youth program, while being fed and drinking through cereal straws (which is super weird, btw.) We ate cheese sandwiches with ketchup and mustard, and broccoli with ranch. I didn’t really eat much because I had no appetite. I was too overwhelmed with the grace that surrounded the volunteer at the door. She had a lip ring and two huge gauges, and a smile as big as the room. She was like “let’s talk about substance use and abuse!” and talked to these kids on shrooms about the effects of ecstacy and cocaine. These kids never did ecstacy or cocaine, but had been around plenty of people who had been affected by that shit.
They lived deep fucking lives. This one kid, the only one of his family who is still in San Francisco, who was really into grateful dead, spent 8 months in jail because his brother was on his 3rd strike so this guy had to take the blame for his brother because they had already lost a brother to an overdose.
He had a mood ring on his finger that turned black the day his brother died. I hoped throughout the day, if I filled it with enough joy (which he was definitely contributing to) that it would turn pink or purple, but it stayed black. He had a limp from a skateboard accident, and his little feet hurt as he walked up and down Haight-Ashbury. He showed me how to get home and he was a very kind friend with a pure heart. The kids in the neighborhood called this boy Taki, the peace keeper. He ahd a giant peace sign on a chain that was made in 1972 at a peace-meditation gathering, wehre people would get together and pray for peace.
I’ve been raised in an environment that ridiculed these people for their lifestyles, but they just didn’t choose capitalism, or were victims of capitalism. It’s a shitshow to see. I watched a guy get busted for shrooms, and some undercover cop was patting this guy down…
There’s a good cop bad cop dynamic here that is really interesting. I met the Elder of golden gate park (GGP), his name was Philip, and he’s got family in the police force. He sat at a table for breakfast with his dad who was an officer, so he knows and respects cops. But he is the peaceful seller of herb on a hill in GGP. But Phil said most cops were cool and understood that cops are there to serve the people, not bust them and if you’re not causing any trouble they’ll leave you alone. But he also sadi there were those cops who can’t get used to the idea of having freedoms like smoking herb on a hill, and will try to bust any kid for a little bit of pot. They have the right to, after all.
Within 4 years, I hope marijuana is legal here, because this shit is not a crime, and its ignoring the real problem. Seeing the youth program operate was a huge heart warmer. This girl, Krista (?) and these two other volunteers, out of pure curiosity and good will, talked to these Lost Kids about their lives and problems. It was amazing. Feeding them, giving them bus tickets, food, health services, and not judging them. It was marvelous. Then I got home, and my sister and my mom and my sisters boyfriend are all worried about me because I’m getting to know these strangers. These hobos. These “addicts.” But nobody I met was an addict! I interacted with a few addicts, and even understood some of them. Some of them mumbled to themselves and were in their own world and two of them were a little touchy about what you said to them, but I was with the peace keeper, and he made every situation a pleasant one. I am so overwhelmed with emotion at that point, because…
There was this rasta man who asked me where I was from. I said I just moved from DC, and he asked me where my eyes were from. And I got offended, cos I’m from fucking Virginia, where that’s not okay because if I said I’m from America, I’m from America and if you’re questioning that then you’re a racist and need to be put in your place. I automatically got defensive. Then Taki goes up to this guy, I’m already half a block away, huffing and puffing in anger. Then Taki brings the guy back and the Rasta Man tells me about how I may be a mix of races but I’m also so much deeper than that, but he just wanted to know what my lineage was, where I came from, that my lineage is reflective of who I am now, though it does not define me because it is so much more than the sum of my parts… or something like that.
I didn’t have my notebook with me these last two days. I don’t even have a notebook right now, because I can never fin da Barnes and Nobles with all these hippie stores haha I want a moleskin and have a gift card for a Barnes and Nobles so I’m waiting for that, yknow? Anyway, a lot of good stuffh as happened, and I’ve had my heart broken by my family. I love them very dearly, but we clearly have vey different values. I get along very well with my mother, and I feel like I’m trying to make her see from my eyes. And she’s trying, but she’s a mother so she’s worried.
I want to live a life I can write about. A life like I lived in the last two days. I might smell a little bit, and my finger nails might get dirty, but I’ll learn a lot and be able to create something out of the rubble of lives created by the city of broken dreams: San Francisco.
The dreams are coming alive again, though. Everybody feels it if they’re in tune. I’m utterly convinced that we are on the brink of a shift of consciousness. Maybe 2012 prophecies were accurate. I can’t think that all those thinkers of the past who invested so much energy in the philosophy of 2012 could all be wrong! The stars, the cycles of history, all make sense, really. It’s hard to see it in linear time, though. I see us emerging out of a very dark period (the 1969s to 2009). Reagan, Johnson, Nixon, Bush, Clinton, Bush, and now Obama. Obama is a little shine of light on this whole situation and the citizens are starting to feel like we can accomplish something. With Bush it was pointless. Why even fight? The white man is going to oppress is anyway. Sure, Obama is part of the system, but we know how to do this from the inside. We’ve learned our lesson. The government will be the government. It just has to be us, then.
We’re having a 40th anniversary of Woodstock celebration in October. I hope its successful. This feels like my summer of love, if that makes sense. It’ll make sense to half of you, or maybe less… well there are 10 kinds of people. If you’re the 0 you understand. If you’re the 1, you don’t. That’s binary, btw.
Sunday 19 July 2009
People
i started my book today. Officially. Clearly its been a work in progress already, but the first 7 pages are down, practically set. only about 500 more to go, id say.
Also, today i met this man who was another kindred spirit. It's weird how you have sometimes a very natural and comfortable connection with somebody you don't know. It was heightened by the fact that i was also very attracted to him, so I allowed myself miniscule flirtations, but only in endearing ways. I've been building on being honest about how i feel about a person, and part of this means that i'll tell people i like them when I do, which so far has only been a good thing. I don't like people who would be weirded out, I guess.
This guy, though, i was fascinated at how he switched something in my mind. Suddenly I was trying to guess what sign he was. What element he's ruled by, and since he was a kayaking instructor, he was comfortable in the water. This was off putting, because he acted like a fire sign and fire's are extinguished by water, but he is rolling around in it. But he's also a top, and so he has conquered the water. He's 33, so he's matured, so he used to be a sort of asshole, but now he's nicer, calmed down a little bit. He'd also found a good means of expressing himself or letting go via kayaking and adrenaline fixes. He was very radiant.
Anyway, i started thinking he was a fire sign, because thinking of him as a fire rather than a water turned me on much more, and i was just trying to have fun, so there's no harm there. So I finally ask him, but I spent about 20 minutes thinking how silly it was that I wanted to ask some guy what sign he was. So i was going to guess instead, see if I was right. I don't get along with sagitarrius, and i think this guy is trouble, regardless, so i thought i could do a 50 50 deal and ask him "are you a sagitarrius or a leo?" So that if i was wrong, it was only because the sagitarrius thru me off. But turns out this guy was a leo.
I said, Great! i'm a cancer cusping onto leo. And he said "well its that time, isn't it?"
I had no idea what he meant, but i mean, yeah... it is time. I just got in synch with the moon, man.
Anyway, it was fun. Sometimes, when i meet kindred spirits i turn them into godlike figures in my life. There are peopel who are like angels in your life, guiding you. I've met a guy who speaks armaic, hebrew, greek, latin, classical chinese, and arabic and taking about an hour or two to talk to me, he explained to me what jesus really said. Or for example daniel who on his skateboard told me all about my past without barely knowing me, or my old coach tim giving me a ukulele with which my spirit gets restored a little bit every time i play it, and then laughing like a big ol' buddha all knowing and all loving. And this kayak instructor today, although he was only giving kayaking tips, whether or not he knew it (and he acknowledged later that he did) was actually giving advice about life.
The key to success is balancing your edges. (in reference to surfing on waves)
Look in the direction you want to head and you're boat will respond and naturally go that way. If you see an obstacle and look at it, like a rock, you'll go into the rock. Look where You want to Go.
Anyway, besides the fact that he was ridiculously good looking with an adorable smile, he was also engaged. But when i found that out i just had to laugh because of course it wouldn't work anyway. Its just always nice to meet people who would be lovely to be with. I'm not at the age yet where i can let that upset me. Maybe in 10 years, when every time i meet a man (or woman) they're already in a perfect relationship and have no use or need for me... then i'll get upset. but i'm about to move to san francisco!!!
tuesday!!!
Also, today i met this man who was another kindred spirit. It's weird how you have sometimes a very natural and comfortable connection with somebody you don't know. It was heightened by the fact that i was also very attracted to him, so I allowed myself miniscule flirtations, but only in endearing ways. I've been building on being honest about how i feel about a person, and part of this means that i'll tell people i like them when I do, which so far has only been a good thing. I don't like people who would be weirded out, I guess.
This guy, though, i was fascinated at how he switched something in my mind. Suddenly I was trying to guess what sign he was. What element he's ruled by, and since he was a kayaking instructor, he was comfortable in the water. This was off putting, because he acted like a fire sign and fire's are extinguished by water, but he is rolling around in it. But he's also a top, and so he has conquered the water. He's 33, so he's matured, so he used to be a sort of asshole, but now he's nicer, calmed down a little bit. He'd also found a good means of expressing himself or letting go via kayaking and adrenaline fixes. He was very radiant.
Anyway, i started thinking he was a fire sign, because thinking of him as a fire rather than a water turned me on much more, and i was just trying to have fun, so there's no harm there. So I finally ask him, but I spent about 20 minutes thinking how silly it was that I wanted to ask some guy what sign he was. So i was going to guess instead, see if I was right. I don't get along with sagitarrius, and i think this guy is trouble, regardless, so i thought i could do a 50 50 deal and ask him "are you a sagitarrius or a leo?" So that if i was wrong, it was only because the sagitarrius thru me off. But turns out this guy was a leo.
I said, Great! i'm a cancer cusping onto leo. And he said "well its that time, isn't it?"
I had no idea what he meant, but i mean, yeah... it is time. I just got in synch with the moon, man.
Anyway, it was fun. Sometimes, when i meet kindred spirits i turn them into godlike figures in my life. There are peopel who are like angels in your life, guiding you. I've met a guy who speaks armaic, hebrew, greek, latin, classical chinese, and arabic and taking about an hour or two to talk to me, he explained to me what jesus really said. Or for example daniel who on his skateboard told me all about my past without barely knowing me, or my old coach tim giving me a ukulele with which my spirit gets restored a little bit every time i play it, and then laughing like a big ol' buddha all knowing and all loving. And this kayak instructor today, although he was only giving kayaking tips, whether or not he knew it (and he acknowledged later that he did) was actually giving advice about life.
The key to success is balancing your edges. (in reference to surfing on waves)
Look in the direction you want to head and you're boat will respond and naturally go that way. If you see an obstacle and look at it, like a rock, you'll go into the rock. Look where You want to Go.
Anyway, besides the fact that he was ridiculously good looking with an adorable smile, he was also engaged. But when i found that out i just had to laugh because of course it wouldn't work anyway. Its just always nice to meet people who would be lovely to be with. I'm not at the age yet where i can let that upset me. Maybe in 10 years, when every time i meet a man (or woman) they're already in a perfect relationship and have no use or need for me... then i'll get upset. but i'm about to move to san francisco!!!
tuesday!!!
Friday 17 July 2009
more than this
he moth flew into teh fire and burned to death, and Grace said "And that's why we dominate this planet, and not moths." but i realized that there could be things living around us that don't notice our existence, whose existence we also cannot perceive. Like a rock, moving so slowly, not perceiving us humans moving so incredibly fast, and us not noticign their imperceptible movements through time and space.
There could be a whole other world beyond the dimensions perceptible to us. Like i was saying earlier: what if we could see all the wavelengths? What if the visible spectrum was much braoder so we could see microwaves, macrowaves, gamma waves,.... x rays... uv rays... electromagnetic fields etcetera. There could be a completely different world going on there which we have been trying to figure out what they are, but they just exist beyond our perception... Things such as instant connections, or deja vu, or dreams that seem so real that they must have happened in another universe.
The possibilities in the universe are infinite, literally. If you feel regret for having missed a connection, for example, if you're moving to san francisco just when you fell in love with something, then at least you could imagine that in a different world, it did go that way.. and for some reason this way just works better? The infinite other possibilities were all the stuff that could go wrong, like you had a child and he resented you for having the child for the rest of your miserable lives, and so you ended up living a hell on earth. Or you moved to san francisco and got addicted to cocaine, another hell on earth. Or you went nuts with schizophrenia and became delusional and unrelatable when discussing metaphysical matters.
Communication is incredibly important in the exploration of all this cosmic primordial mess... otherwise you run the fear of spinning out of control. Good, itnelligent, emotionally aware peopl are very important, lest i go insane.
i heard rumors of gatherings, of "like-minded individuals." as if that meant something in particular. I think somethings going to happen soon, or maybe its already happening and i'm just catching wind of this amazing thing, like it's been around for ... forever.
but forever is unimagineable to my little life. I like to, lately, say ironic things such as "In my whole life i have NEVER EVER experienced something like this!" to very little things, such as reading craigslist ads out loud on a porch or doing dramatic readings of missed connection stories.
Many signs have been pointing to me having to overcome my self-doubt. Its been shown to me in the form of palm readings, strangers on skateboards, my journals, horoscopes, and thought. Its true, i have to get rid of my fear and doubt... about everything. I dont trust in the spiritual world at all. I'm afraid of going delusional, of losign touch with reality, but that reality is incredibly tempting, incredibly beautiful, and so ful of love how could i turn it down? i toculdn't possibly be a bad thing........
..... could it?
There could be a whole other world beyond the dimensions perceptible to us. Like i was saying earlier: what if we could see all the wavelengths? What if the visible spectrum was much braoder so we could see microwaves, macrowaves, gamma waves,.... x rays... uv rays... electromagnetic fields etcetera. There could be a completely different world going on there which we have been trying to figure out what they are, but they just exist beyond our perception... Things such as instant connections, or deja vu, or dreams that seem so real that they must have happened in another universe.
The possibilities in the universe are infinite, literally. If you feel regret for having missed a connection, for example, if you're moving to san francisco just when you fell in love with something, then at least you could imagine that in a different world, it did go that way.. and for some reason this way just works better? The infinite other possibilities were all the stuff that could go wrong, like you had a child and he resented you for having the child for the rest of your miserable lives, and so you ended up living a hell on earth. Or you moved to san francisco and got addicted to cocaine, another hell on earth. Or you went nuts with schizophrenia and became delusional and unrelatable when discussing metaphysical matters.
Communication is incredibly important in the exploration of all this cosmic primordial mess... otherwise you run the fear of spinning out of control. Good, itnelligent, emotionally aware peopl are very important, lest i go insane.
i heard rumors of gatherings, of "like-minded individuals." as if that meant something in particular. I think somethings going to happen soon, or maybe its already happening and i'm just catching wind of this amazing thing, like it's been around for ... forever.
but forever is unimagineable to my little life. I like to, lately, say ironic things such as "In my whole life i have NEVER EVER experienced something like this!" to very little things, such as reading craigslist ads out loud on a porch or doing dramatic readings of missed connection stories.
Many signs have been pointing to me having to overcome my self-doubt. Its been shown to me in the form of palm readings, strangers on skateboards, my journals, horoscopes, and thought. Its true, i have to get rid of my fear and doubt... about everything. I dont trust in the spiritual world at all. I'm afraid of going delusional, of losign touch with reality, but that reality is incredibly tempting, incredibly beautiful, and so ful of love how could i turn it down? i toculdn't possibly be a bad thing........
..... could it?
Friday 10 July 2009
I should talk about my relationship with Jesus a little bit. I've found it an interesting subject lately.
I grew up in a secular family, a strong atheist father and sister, and an apathetic unspiritual mother. I am the black sheep in my family. I'm not sure why I turned out the way I did, but somehow my life aligned to make me at least desire something greater. Maybe it was all the gospel music in barbados that floated across the airwaves and into the culture, that made me feel like I was really missing out on something awesome.
When I was 13 I explored many, many differnet religions, and following jesus was one of the first things I discounted. I just couldn't believe some nut who thought he was the son of God. So i was actually a "satanist" for a while, and read Anton Lavey's Satanic bible, and really, its just an extreme version of atheism, but with the same therapeutic aspects of religion and ritual, and mostly conviction. Conviction is important... but eventually I grew out of it, especialy since it didn't provide a community. Firstly there are no satanic churches in northern virginia and secondly, even if i went to a sataanic church, if you weren't under 16 and you were still a satanist, there must be something wrong with you... something like stubborn immaturity.
So i grew out of it and was spiritless for a while, until I did a shroom trip. In that shroom trip (which I'll write about some other time, because thats also very important to my spiritual development) I discovered heaven in a construction site. I was walking along my road, noting that the electrics were buzzing and the energys were vibrating and everytnig was coming together. Every single one of my steps became predetermined, and i thought i had free will, but as soon as the next "coincidence" happened, i realized that though i THOUGHT i had free will, it was already planned, and it was known that i was going to do that. And it was annoying, but i would just laugh at it! And that laugh was also predetermined.
How annoying God is.
And As I walked towards this enormous metal edifice,I began to feel a sense of worship, not just for the things that humans build that are gigantic, but for the creative spirit of humans. I immeidately thought of characters such as Mickey Mouse, Dr. Seuss, Willy Wonka, and all those characters that growing up embodied the creative imaginative spirit... well they now embodied my concept of god.
Later on I met a man at 3am while i climbed rocks in a 24 hour gym who spoke Armaic and happened to study the bible in great depth in its original languages of armaic and hebrew. After he cleared up to me the immense translational mistakes that were made throughout the ages, and after he cleared up some idiom misunderstandings, Jesus seemed like a pretty cool guy. He said we were ALL divine, and that totally vibed with me, because I totally thought we were all divine too! especially all those times where i turned into a magical woodland elf, or a fairy, or made love to the earth in the james river, or frolicked across a construction site as Eve with an imaginary hypothetical Adam.
I have often felt like I was the first human, because we are all of the first human...
Anyway, its hard to explain. My family might disown me and think I'm crazy. Anybody reading this could think that... but i know there are other people who agree and know exactly what i'm talking about, and maybe are amazed that there's somebody out there who feels the same way about this world we live in...
After my near death experience (which i think i just posted previous to this one) i started listening to other stories of near death experiences. And there seems to be a consensus, that feeling of great love, admiration, comfort, peace... all the things i felt on that shroom trip, and all the things that i felt right after i almost died.... very, very similar.
But different only in imagery. People who grow up with Jesus as the figure to imagine see him. Others came up with more abstract figures of light, space, or wheat fields. I saw a construction site... Wherever i am i can feel it sometimes, its in the air, int eh wind, mostly in water, sometimes in the fire... Hmm...
Maybe there's something to astrology there. maybe the fact that I have made love to the earth in the James river means that i really am a water sign... But we all have a little of each sign in us, so technically i should be able to experience this with all elements.
who knows. I'd be interested to hear other peoples thoughts on this, but i'm just blogging into this webosphere.
I grew up in a secular family, a strong atheist father and sister, and an apathetic unspiritual mother. I am the black sheep in my family. I'm not sure why I turned out the way I did, but somehow my life aligned to make me at least desire something greater. Maybe it was all the gospel music in barbados that floated across the airwaves and into the culture, that made me feel like I was really missing out on something awesome.
When I was 13 I explored many, many differnet religions, and following jesus was one of the first things I discounted. I just couldn't believe some nut who thought he was the son of God. So i was actually a "satanist" for a while, and read Anton Lavey's Satanic bible, and really, its just an extreme version of atheism, but with the same therapeutic aspects of religion and ritual, and mostly conviction. Conviction is important... but eventually I grew out of it, especialy since it didn't provide a community. Firstly there are no satanic churches in northern virginia and secondly, even if i went to a sataanic church, if you weren't under 16 and you were still a satanist, there must be something wrong with you... something like stubborn immaturity.
So i grew out of it and was spiritless for a while, until I did a shroom trip. In that shroom trip (which I'll write about some other time, because thats also very important to my spiritual development) I discovered heaven in a construction site. I was walking along my road, noting that the electrics were buzzing and the energys were vibrating and everytnig was coming together. Every single one of my steps became predetermined, and i thought i had free will, but as soon as the next "coincidence" happened, i realized that though i THOUGHT i had free will, it was already planned, and it was known that i was going to do that. And it was annoying, but i would just laugh at it! And that laugh was also predetermined.
How annoying God is.
And As I walked towards this enormous metal edifice,I began to feel a sense of worship, not just for the things that humans build that are gigantic, but for the creative spirit of humans. I immeidately thought of characters such as Mickey Mouse, Dr. Seuss, Willy Wonka, and all those characters that growing up embodied the creative imaginative spirit... well they now embodied my concept of god.
Later on I met a man at 3am while i climbed rocks in a 24 hour gym who spoke Armaic and happened to study the bible in great depth in its original languages of armaic and hebrew. After he cleared up to me the immense translational mistakes that were made throughout the ages, and after he cleared up some idiom misunderstandings, Jesus seemed like a pretty cool guy. He said we were ALL divine, and that totally vibed with me, because I totally thought we were all divine too! especially all those times where i turned into a magical woodland elf, or a fairy, or made love to the earth in the james river, or frolicked across a construction site as Eve with an imaginary hypothetical Adam.
I have often felt like I was the first human, because we are all of the first human...
Anyway, its hard to explain. My family might disown me and think I'm crazy. Anybody reading this could think that... but i know there are other people who agree and know exactly what i'm talking about, and maybe are amazed that there's somebody out there who feels the same way about this world we live in...
After my near death experience (which i think i just posted previous to this one) i started listening to other stories of near death experiences. And there seems to be a consensus, that feeling of great love, admiration, comfort, peace... all the things i felt on that shroom trip, and all the things that i felt right after i almost died.... very, very similar.
But different only in imagery. People who grow up with Jesus as the figure to imagine see him. Others came up with more abstract figures of light, space, or wheat fields. I saw a construction site... Wherever i am i can feel it sometimes, its in the air, int eh wind, mostly in water, sometimes in the fire... Hmm...
Maybe there's something to astrology there. maybe the fact that I have made love to the earth in the James river means that i really am a water sign... But we all have a little of each sign in us, so technically i should be able to experience this with all elements.
who knows. I'd be interested to hear other peoples thoughts on this, but i'm just blogging into this webosphere.
Near Death
i almost died today. Like, George bush choking on a pretzel, near death experience died.
I was moments from death, milliseconds. I've been seconds from death before, stuck in a kayak underwater, but all I got was a flash of worry that my mother will cry a lot. Tonight, the significance of life was realized, and the fear of death was instilled. Life is gloryful.
Last week I spent my days reading a combination of my journals from age 12-18 with Catcher in the Rye. Reading the two parallel to each other was interesting to say the least, but undoubtedly it was an intense experience. I told Audrey and Andrella this, as we sat around her patio and smoked herb. Every joke and cute moment since I finished reading my journals, has been a possible ending for that journey that I just took. We then spent several moments laughing, and deciding that that was the end. Then laughing, and then deciding that THAT was the end, etc, etc.
We went further back than adolescence, too. We went back to the time we discovered our clitori. We remembered being about 3 years old, thinking you had a big secret... or feeling like you invented something great, thinking you'd spread the word to the world. We laughed so hard and not only did my eyes cry, but i lizzed, which apparently means peeing a little bit from laughing so hard. I lizzed a lot tonight. And honestly, if I had died tonight, it would have been an okay ending. Sure, I was about to embark on an amazing journey and it got cut short, and Sure i didn't accomplsh anything that I really wanted to accomplish, but I did overcome some obstacles, and I did experience happiness. I experienced true bliss and I experienced worship, I expeirenced pain, I experienced awe, and I experienced the cleansing feeling of rain. I felt forgiven, I felt relieved, I felt elated, and I've felt deceived just to be reminded that everything is as it is, and is as it should be.
And I can't phrase the language in any form other than what I just expressed because I am limited by my Zeitgeist and the language of our times. Life is fucking precious once you''ve invested something in it. And even if you have yet to invest anything in your life, its still precious because its a chance and it shouldn't be missed, you know what i mean?
Later as we sat inside relishing the taste of southern cooking and being in love with the southern culture, we thought about how the best food makes you stop eating it with minimal bites. That morning I had had the most heavenly meal at a restaurant in DC, and I stopped eating as soon as I was full and I was so immensely content that I needed not one more bite. We ate nachos with a dip that her father had made, and it was good, but it was also addictive. Spicy foods can do that to you. So was it good or bad that it was addictive? I said it was bad because even if I wanted to stop eating, I couldn't. I'd have to move away from the food to make my hand stop reaching for it because my mouth longed for some more spice and was bored with its lack of a job. Earlier that morning, my tastebuds were in awe of the food they had just received, and stood back and watched it digest, like waving goodbye to an old friend, and standing there past the point where they can see you.
Once when my friend left me on my doorstep, I stayed there for the next 4 hours until the sun set. I brought out a lawn chair and just sat, waiting and seeing if my friend maybe would come back because we had such a good time. They never did come back, but I finished reading Catcher in the Rye and some of my old journals, and sat on that porch where he'd left me.
Wasn't food similar to a friend? Or rather, a beautiful vacation from which you return relieved, relaxed, and ready to do non food related activities because you had been satisfied in that area.
I then began to scarf down the final remains of garlic that were infused in the nacho dip, but had been neglected since being finished. I didn't know it was garlic, and was surprised to find that they weren't as pungent as usual. Maybe my tastebuds were shot. But I could feel that a little piece had gotten stuck in my throat. It should come out eventually, I thought, not having access to water. Then Audrey said something that made me laugh. She does that a lot. This night had already been filled with laughter, and good laughter too, the type that makes you cry, or pee your pants a little bit, or forget how to breathe. In this case, I laughed so hard the piece of garlic dislodged itself into a less convenient place, and took hold of my airways. I coughed first a little bit. It got stuck more. My body automatically started convulsing, trying to rid itself of its enemy. I couldn't breathe. I kept coughing. I really couldn't breathe. It'll be okay. No, I can't breathe. The air was stuck between a tiny piece of garlic, lodged in my throat somewhere and there was nothing I could do about it. I kept coughing, but at this point it wasn't coughing. It had becoming choking. Coughing requires some passage of air, but none was getting through. I didn't even think about my mother. My thoughts went straight to Life. I'm really not ready. I kept choking. I really don't want to go. I kept choking. I was holding on to the railing of Audrey's porch, looking down onto the stairs covered in tarp, and amidst my bodys attempt to cough, it tried to throw up. My body didn't know what to do anymore. It couldn't gag, it couldn't throw up, it couldn't breathe. it was failing at ilving, something so easily done up until now. Andrella and Audrey didn't know what to do. All the while they probably were thinking I was just coughing, but I motioned to them that this was serious, and Andrella moved hopefully to give me some sort of help. I hoped she had read those manuals in restaurants about how to save a choking person, doing the arm thrust into the stomach thing, but I didn't think either of them would know what to do. But without any help, my body managed somehow to get the piece out on its own. As soon as it flew out of my mouth, my throat still wouldn't breathe. It was scared and not sure if it could expand and collapse with the intake and output of air.
Air. Air. It was really nice to breathe air. But my throat was still worried, but my soul and my brain weren't so worried anymore. Audrey and Andrella stood in shock. They didn't know what had just happened. Or they couldn't believe it. I was still in shock, but I figured the way to move on from shock was to say something, so I established the following: "Shit, I just almost died!" and I started laughing in fear and disbelief. Audrey and Andrella nodded their heads like, yeah. It was quiet for a second more, until Audrey said "Hey, well lucky that there's a handrail and some covering on the stairs down there, huh?" and we all laughed because, well, it was sorta true. It's like the universe covered the stairs with tarp to protect it from my gagging body, and the handrail was just there for support in these rough times... not as a precaution, but as an actual useful staple of patios.
Audrey went to get me some water, and I reflected quietly as Andrella comforted me silently. It was crazy to think with just a tiny piece of garlic, my entire life could be shut down. Is there something else in control or was that just luck? Or rather, the bad luck? Was it just a coincidence that I was going to have to fight for my life, or was it part of a plan? It seemed very much like a plan, because it was less than a millimeter of space that decided whether or not I would ever get any air into my lungs again. It was less than a millimeter of space that kept me from getting my body looked over by a mortician, determining that the cause of death was, indeed, choking on a piece of garlic.
I thought of George Bush, and the depiction of his choking on a pretzel or having a near heart attack during running, and how that led to him being born again, and I got scared of that religious feeling, the looming fatherly figure protecting his children in the pews. I quickly disclaimed that sort of spirituality, and looked at the moon. It was almost full. It'd be full on Wednesday. It was the night between Sunday and Monday, the place between Sun and Moon. Isn't that a strange coincidence? That I, being on the cusp of Cancer and Leo, Moon and Sun (fire) signs respectively, should almost die. Ashley had told me the stars were in Capricorn tonight. I wonder what else about the stars influenced this event tonight.
Now my soul is floating around my body, asking me if its okay to come in again, asking me wehther its safe or not. Last night after I returned home, I brushed my teeth in the presence of ghosts. But this is a new house, so the only ghost here is my ghost of the past, the part of me that died when I was 13, only to be partially reborn 5 years later. I remember when that rebirth happened. I was smoking weed with my ex boyfriend, and all of a sudden all my memories came back to me. Everything from before Tomas, before the Crips. Everything was restored to its original position, in worse condition than before like an apartment rented to a bunch of fraternity brothers. My memories weren't all there, weren't all complete, but at least I had some of the sentimentality back.
And what do I call this? A "Near Death experience?" How cliche. But that's what it was. Oh, whats happening is so cliche. Girl goes to college, girl gets into grad school, girl is reborn from adolescent trauma, girl almost chokes to death and reconsiders her life.
I mean, I don't know what sort of message I'm supposed to get out of this. I don't know if this is a legitimate threat from the higher powers of the universe. But if its meant to be its meant to be is all that I can know. I can't really try to decipher a message from the greater world, but I can certainly pay attention to it, see how it fits to the rest of the messages that are coming through. If it doesn't add up, then the message isn't finished being transmitted. I'd rather wait to figure out if thats all, than to try to decipher it and come to a premature conclusion about what this all means. For now I'll just breathe and enjoy breathing air.
I was moments from death, milliseconds. I've been seconds from death before, stuck in a kayak underwater, but all I got was a flash of worry that my mother will cry a lot. Tonight, the significance of life was realized, and the fear of death was instilled. Life is gloryful.
Last week I spent my days reading a combination of my journals from age 12-18 with Catcher in the Rye. Reading the two parallel to each other was interesting to say the least, but undoubtedly it was an intense experience. I told Audrey and Andrella this, as we sat around her patio and smoked herb. Every joke and cute moment since I finished reading my journals, has been a possible ending for that journey that I just took. We then spent several moments laughing, and deciding that that was the end. Then laughing, and then deciding that THAT was the end, etc, etc.
We went further back than adolescence, too. We went back to the time we discovered our clitori. We remembered being about 3 years old, thinking you had a big secret... or feeling like you invented something great, thinking you'd spread the word to the world. We laughed so hard and not only did my eyes cry, but i lizzed, which apparently means peeing a little bit from laughing so hard. I lizzed a lot tonight. And honestly, if I had died tonight, it would have been an okay ending. Sure, I was about to embark on an amazing journey and it got cut short, and Sure i didn't accomplsh anything that I really wanted to accomplish, but I did overcome some obstacles, and I did experience happiness. I experienced true bliss and I experienced worship, I expeirenced pain, I experienced awe, and I experienced the cleansing feeling of rain. I felt forgiven, I felt relieved, I felt elated, and I've felt deceived just to be reminded that everything is as it is, and is as it should be.
And I can't phrase the language in any form other than what I just expressed because I am limited by my Zeitgeist and the language of our times. Life is fucking precious once you''ve invested something in it. And even if you have yet to invest anything in your life, its still precious because its a chance and it shouldn't be missed, you know what i mean?
Later as we sat inside relishing the taste of southern cooking and being in love with the southern culture, we thought about how the best food makes you stop eating it with minimal bites. That morning I had had the most heavenly meal at a restaurant in DC, and I stopped eating as soon as I was full and I was so immensely content that I needed not one more bite. We ate nachos with a dip that her father had made, and it was good, but it was also addictive. Spicy foods can do that to you. So was it good or bad that it was addictive? I said it was bad because even if I wanted to stop eating, I couldn't. I'd have to move away from the food to make my hand stop reaching for it because my mouth longed for some more spice and was bored with its lack of a job. Earlier that morning, my tastebuds were in awe of the food they had just received, and stood back and watched it digest, like waving goodbye to an old friend, and standing there past the point where they can see you.
Once when my friend left me on my doorstep, I stayed there for the next 4 hours until the sun set. I brought out a lawn chair and just sat, waiting and seeing if my friend maybe would come back because we had such a good time. They never did come back, but I finished reading Catcher in the Rye and some of my old journals, and sat on that porch where he'd left me.
Wasn't food similar to a friend? Or rather, a beautiful vacation from which you return relieved, relaxed, and ready to do non food related activities because you had been satisfied in that area.
I then began to scarf down the final remains of garlic that were infused in the nacho dip, but had been neglected since being finished. I didn't know it was garlic, and was surprised to find that they weren't as pungent as usual. Maybe my tastebuds were shot. But I could feel that a little piece had gotten stuck in my throat. It should come out eventually, I thought, not having access to water. Then Audrey said something that made me laugh. She does that a lot. This night had already been filled with laughter, and good laughter too, the type that makes you cry, or pee your pants a little bit, or forget how to breathe. In this case, I laughed so hard the piece of garlic dislodged itself into a less convenient place, and took hold of my airways. I coughed first a little bit. It got stuck more. My body automatically started convulsing, trying to rid itself of its enemy. I couldn't breathe. I kept coughing. I really couldn't breathe. It'll be okay. No, I can't breathe. The air was stuck between a tiny piece of garlic, lodged in my throat somewhere and there was nothing I could do about it. I kept coughing, but at this point it wasn't coughing. It had becoming choking. Coughing requires some passage of air, but none was getting through. I didn't even think about my mother. My thoughts went straight to Life. I'm really not ready. I kept choking. I really don't want to go. I kept choking. I was holding on to the railing of Audrey's porch, looking down onto the stairs covered in tarp, and amidst my bodys attempt to cough, it tried to throw up. My body didn't know what to do anymore. It couldn't gag, it couldn't throw up, it couldn't breathe. it was failing at ilving, something so easily done up until now. Andrella and Audrey didn't know what to do. All the while they probably were thinking I was just coughing, but I motioned to them that this was serious, and Andrella moved hopefully to give me some sort of help. I hoped she had read those manuals in restaurants about how to save a choking person, doing the arm thrust into the stomach thing, but I didn't think either of them would know what to do. But without any help, my body managed somehow to get the piece out on its own. As soon as it flew out of my mouth, my throat still wouldn't breathe. It was scared and not sure if it could expand and collapse with the intake and output of air.
Air. Air. It was really nice to breathe air. But my throat was still worried, but my soul and my brain weren't so worried anymore. Audrey and Andrella stood in shock. They didn't know what had just happened. Or they couldn't believe it. I was still in shock, but I figured the way to move on from shock was to say something, so I established the following: "Shit, I just almost died!" and I started laughing in fear and disbelief. Audrey and Andrella nodded their heads like, yeah. It was quiet for a second more, until Audrey said "Hey, well lucky that there's a handrail and some covering on the stairs down there, huh?" and we all laughed because, well, it was sorta true. It's like the universe covered the stairs with tarp to protect it from my gagging body, and the handrail was just there for support in these rough times... not as a precaution, but as an actual useful staple of patios.
Audrey went to get me some water, and I reflected quietly as Andrella comforted me silently. It was crazy to think with just a tiny piece of garlic, my entire life could be shut down. Is there something else in control or was that just luck? Or rather, the bad luck? Was it just a coincidence that I was going to have to fight for my life, or was it part of a plan? It seemed very much like a plan, because it was less than a millimeter of space that decided whether or not I would ever get any air into my lungs again. It was less than a millimeter of space that kept me from getting my body looked over by a mortician, determining that the cause of death was, indeed, choking on a piece of garlic.
I thought of George Bush, and the depiction of his choking on a pretzel or having a near heart attack during running, and how that led to him being born again, and I got scared of that religious feeling, the looming fatherly figure protecting his children in the pews. I quickly disclaimed that sort of spirituality, and looked at the moon. It was almost full. It'd be full on Wednesday. It was the night between Sunday and Monday, the place between Sun and Moon. Isn't that a strange coincidence? That I, being on the cusp of Cancer and Leo, Moon and Sun (fire) signs respectively, should almost die. Ashley had told me the stars were in Capricorn tonight. I wonder what else about the stars influenced this event tonight.
Now my soul is floating around my body, asking me if its okay to come in again, asking me wehther its safe or not. Last night after I returned home, I brushed my teeth in the presence of ghosts. But this is a new house, so the only ghost here is my ghost of the past, the part of me that died when I was 13, only to be partially reborn 5 years later. I remember when that rebirth happened. I was smoking weed with my ex boyfriend, and all of a sudden all my memories came back to me. Everything from before Tomas, before the Crips. Everything was restored to its original position, in worse condition than before like an apartment rented to a bunch of fraternity brothers. My memories weren't all there, weren't all complete, but at least I had some of the sentimentality back.
And what do I call this? A "Near Death experience?" How cliche. But that's what it was. Oh, whats happening is so cliche. Girl goes to college, girl gets into grad school, girl is reborn from adolescent trauma, girl almost chokes to death and reconsiders her life.
I mean, I don't know what sort of message I'm supposed to get out of this. I don't know if this is a legitimate threat from the higher powers of the universe. But if its meant to be its meant to be is all that I can know. I can't really try to decipher a message from the greater world, but I can certainly pay attention to it, see how it fits to the rest of the messages that are coming through. If it doesn't add up, then the message isn't finished being transmitted. I'd rather wait to figure out if thats all, than to try to decipher it and come to a premature conclusion about what this all means. For now I'll just breathe and enjoy breathing air.
Wednesday 24 June 2009
Looking back
I'ved started seriously reading my past journal entries, starting with when I first moved to the US. It's been very revealing and it's crazy how many things foreshadowed my impending future. It's funny, because there have been moments while reading all these really, really intense entries where I realize how much it subconsciously shaped me...
I wasn't even aware of these motives and opinions that I had, and certainly didn't elaborate very much back then, but they are early signs of discontent, of depression, loneliness, and a huge internal struggle with the northern virginia deathly bland culture. THen there were these huge pressures to assimialte into american culture. Then there's the sexual confusion coupled with media representations of sexuality and pressures to be extroverted and sexy... and i allude to all of that but only because i know in hindsight...
and it got me to thinking about the 5th dimension again, because reading my past was like transcending time. I couldn't read the more recent stuff as detached like, but i had a moment... practically a spiritual moment, where it all came together...
especially when my journal ended, the one that i finished right before freshman year of college.... I have a very hopeful tone, and it sounds like i'm about to die because my journals coming to an end and I say "If i were to die i'd regret not having those moments, sitting on the porch with friends drinking beer and talking and playing music, and i regret not seeing our next president, or to see the legalization of marijuana, or to impact the world in any way..."
Anyway, its amazing that my dreams then came true in the next 4 years. I saw my next president, and I practically every day sat on a porch with friends. It's been amazing and I'm so thankful.
I practically ran around to my mother and father (who still don't really understand me lol) showing them how funny my life has been, how its all come together now, and sorta basking in the glory of it all....
I feel like I just emerged from this awful past... I mean, it wasn't really all that awful. Just a few bad boyfriends and some trauma, but nothing eternally deadly... just temporarily... But ontop of personal stuff i went through, i feel like the country, the world went through a lot... and I've always understood a broad range of emotions/personalities/circumstances... That's another thing i learned from my journals... I have a strange ability to empathize with the craziest of the crazies and it's landed me in some trouble.
Anyway, the fact that the worlds been going through such a tough time hugely upsets me, and so its hard to watch the news. Local news is the worst, its full of pedophiles, accidents, deaths, shootings, and political scandals. I hate it. It's so gossipy, and meanwhile in Iran there are innocent protesters being killed by a corrupt government. The world really is suffering and it hurts so bad to see it on tv and not be able to do anything about it.
I've avoided the news on a large scale during college, but its near impossible here because my dad is addicted to news gossip. Anyway, i'm tired and will go outside now to enjoy the view of this oppressive house from the outside. It's a lovely view that way, wtih the fireflies coinciding their bleeps with the light shining from the cars driving down Lee Highway. And behind the blinking lights of the fireflies in the trees is the blinking lights from planes about to land at Dulles airport.
The house truly is the most marvelous at night. No wonder i've become a night owl. I won't let the darkness scare me. I trust that the moon shall guide me.
I wasn't even aware of these motives and opinions that I had, and certainly didn't elaborate very much back then, but they are early signs of discontent, of depression, loneliness, and a huge internal struggle with the northern virginia deathly bland culture. THen there were these huge pressures to assimialte into american culture. Then there's the sexual confusion coupled with media representations of sexuality and pressures to be extroverted and sexy... and i allude to all of that but only because i know in hindsight...
and it got me to thinking about the 5th dimension again, because reading my past was like transcending time. I couldn't read the more recent stuff as detached like, but i had a moment... practically a spiritual moment, where it all came together...
especially when my journal ended, the one that i finished right before freshman year of college.... I have a very hopeful tone, and it sounds like i'm about to die because my journals coming to an end and I say "If i were to die i'd regret not having those moments, sitting on the porch with friends drinking beer and talking and playing music, and i regret not seeing our next president, or to see the legalization of marijuana, or to impact the world in any way..."
Anyway, its amazing that my dreams then came true in the next 4 years. I saw my next president, and I practically every day sat on a porch with friends. It's been amazing and I'm so thankful.
I practically ran around to my mother and father (who still don't really understand me lol) showing them how funny my life has been, how its all come together now, and sorta basking in the glory of it all....
I feel like I just emerged from this awful past... I mean, it wasn't really all that awful. Just a few bad boyfriends and some trauma, but nothing eternally deadly... just temporarily... But ontop of personal stuff i went through, i feel like the country, the world went through a lot... and I've always understood a broad range of emotions/personalities/circumstances... That's another thing i learned from my journals... I have a strange ability to empathize with the craziest of the crazies and it's landed me in some trouble.
Anyway, the fact that the worlds been going through such a tough time hugely upsets me, and so its hard to watch the news. Local news is the worst, its full of pedophiles, accidents, deaths, shootings, and political scandals. I hate it. It's so gossipy, and meanwhile in Iran there are innocent protesters being killed by a corrupt government. The world really is suffering and it hurts so bad to see it on tv and not be able to do anything about it.
I've avoided the news on a large scale during college, but its near impossible here because my dad is addicted to news gossip. Anyway, i'm tired and will go outside now to enjoy the view of this oppressive house from the outside. It's a lovely view that way, wtih the fireflies coinciding their bleeps with the light shining from the cars driving down Lee Highway. And behind the blinking lights of the fireflies in the trees is the blinking lights from planes about to land at Dulles airport.
The house truly is the most marvelous at night. No wonder i've become a night owl. I won't let the darkness scare me. I trust that the moon shall guide me.
Friday 19 June 2009
History
I can't conceive of a patriarchal monarchic god, up there in the sky. That interpretation of Lord, King of Kings, our Warrior King, is one of a medieval time, when the greatest thing they could collectively conceive of was a king of kings, a king of warriors, a commander from above that serves as a fatherly figure shaking his finger at you, instilling a fear, a respect for the higher power.
The way that I have come to interpret it is as a 5th dimension, one beyond what I can perceive. It's less personifiable, maybe because I'm able to grasp abstract concepts better than those who came before the humancentric enlightenment, the age of science, which forced us to acknowledge our perceptive handicaps.
We can't, with a naked eye, see the cells in the plant, or the formation of an embryo, or an intergalactic explosion! But we're forced to accept these as reality. Our ability to fly discounted the idea that God was up there physically, and the personification of God as a man faltered.
Yet its convenient so we hold on to it even today. Jesus, the white man descending from the sky in a white robe... We know very well that it's inaccurate and that its a false visual representation, tainted by historic injustices and prejudices... But that's okay, because its the message we care about, not the race of Jesus, right?
But Jesus, first of all, was all about accepting the neighbor (I think this also means them black and brown folks from across the pond or railroad track.) He was all for peace in the middle east. I won't even get into all the mistrnaslations and misinterpretation of cultural idioms from Armaic-->Hebrew-->Greek-->Latin-->German-->English. But they DO amount to something very important:
Mythology isn't important. It doesn't matter whether or not Jesus was the son of God or if we were all children of God, or that we're all divine or if Jesus was the only one who was divine. It does matter, though, that mythology is destructive. Hell is not a PLACE, rather, a feeling. "Hades" the place outside the city where they burn the trash, the psychological torment that you may go through after committing an unripe act... not a WRONG act, just an unripe act.
Mythology breeds intolerance, forgetting the big picture, the idea that all religions have in common:
Love.
Not romantic love, necessarily, but philial love, agapeistic love. God is a feeling, or perhaps its a scientific truth that we haven't discovered yet. Perhaps there are really vibrations that make up all of existence, or maybe all existence is made up of tiny strings and those strings are little gods, working together in a greater understanding of God. Or perhaps god is just the way a tree or flower grows, the mathematical pattern allowing for life to continue. Maybe god is sustainability, harmony.
I've had the most intense (non-drug related) spiritual experiences playing music. Of course, it can be argued that music is a drug, but definitely less directly so! It's this wonderful feeling of surrender, because you are comforted by the fact that everything fits together.
When I move to san francisco i am going to go church hopping and see if i can find any church music groups to join. I'm sure they have a lot of alternative spirituality stuff going on in san francisco... home to the satanic church of anton lavey.
The way that I have come to interpret it is as a 5th dimension, one beyond what I can perceive. It's less personifiable, maybe because I'm able to grasp abstract concepts better than those who came before the humancentric enlightenment, the age of science, which forced us to acknowledge our perceptive handicaps.
We can't, with a naked eye, see the cells in the plant, or the formation of an embryo, or an intergalactic explosion! But we're forced to accept these as reality. Our ability to fly discounted the idea that God was up there physically, and the personification of God as a man faltered.
Yet its convenient so we hold on to it even today. Jesus, the white man descending from the sky in a white robe... We know very well that it's inaccurate and that its a false visual representation, tainted by historic injustices and prejudices... But that's okay, because its the message we care about, not the race of Jesus, right?
But Jesus, first of all, was all about accepting the neighbor (I think this also means them black and brown folks from across the pond or railroad track.) He was all for peace in the middle east. I won't even get into all the mistrnaslations and misinterpretation of cultural idioms from Armaic-->Hebrew-->Greek-->Latin-->German-->English. But they DO amount to something very important:
Mythology isn't important. It doesn't matter whether or not Jesus was the son of God or if we were all children of God, or that we're all divine or if Jesus was the only one who was divine. It does matter, though, that mythology is destructive. Hell is not a PLACE, rather, a feeling. "Hades" the place outside the city where they burn the trash, the psychological torment that you may go through after committing an unripe act... not a WRONG act, just an unripe act.
Mythology breeds intolerance, forgetting the big picture, the idea that all religions have in common:
Love.
Not romantic love, necessarily, but philial love, agapeistic love. God is a feeling, or perhaps its a scientific truth that we haven't discovered yet. Perhaps there are really vibrations that make up all of existence, or maybe all existence is made up of tiny strings and those strings are little gods, working together in a greater understanding of God. Or perhaps god is just the way a tree or flower grows, the mathematical pattern allowing for life to continue. Maybe god is sustainability, harmony.
I've had the most intense (non-drug related) spiritual experiences playing music. Of course, it can be argued that music is a drug, but definitely less directly so! It's this wonderful feeling of surrender, because you are comforted by the fact that everything fits together.
When I move to san francisco i am going to go church hopping and see if i can find any church music groups to join. I'm sure they have a lot of alternative spirituality stuff going on in san francisco... home to the satanic church of anton lavey.
Tuesday 9 June 2009
celebrate
Life is so big... you can go through it and not experience the full range of emotions, or you can really delve into the depth of all it has to offer. The past few days have felt very emotional, truly reflecting on my life and how I've lived it so far... being okay with it and being at peace with all the missed opportunities as well as the straight up mistakes which have all contributed to who I am today.
The regret is so difficult to deal with because since I was little I never let myself regret as it is a wasted emotion, but it is a really good one, I realize now. Her name was Ella, the one who said that regret is a wasted emotion. It was at the beginning stages of adolescence that she said that, but she may even disagree with her 13 year old self now, too. Regret can really set you straight, and is absolutely crucial for change.
The past few days have been, not only filled with regret, but with appreciation and celebration of my life. Not only that I get to appreciate a life to begin with, but I am amazed at the creative capacity of humans (and the destructive capacity) but both are two sides of the same coin, one necessitating the other.
Human connnection is incredibly importnat to me at this point of my life. And not individual connections, necessarily, but a connectedness to a greater whole, which of course, can be reached through individuals and single interactions. I have been blessed in the last few days by being able to spend time with some people who I just understand, and who seem to understand me at a quite uncomfortably deep level. It's strange how some people you meet and get along with immediately, whereas others, even if you know they are great people, you just can't seem to break that first layer of acquaintance.
Moving to San Francisco will be a good move. I know it. The close proximity to a wide variety of people, as well as relatively close access to mountains, as well as staying in a hub of creativity... I think I'll be alright. I was scared of losing myself in a big city, but if college has done anything for me its that I'm now ready for that challenge to keep my head on my shoulders amidst the chaos that represents the city. Hey, at least its not New York.
Blue... Green... Water... People...
I'm excited.
I told somebody my life story today. I felt sheepish about it, like I hadn't done it in forever... I guess I haven't in a while, and I felt bad subjecting her to it, but its really good to recap where I've been... It puts me in context. Sometimes I forget to look at the little picture. I've been thinking of myself in context with history, and so I forgot to look at myself in context of myself... It's a lot less pressure that way! Cos I'm doign quite well compared to where I was before.
History is full of prodiges and inventors, and in that contex I haven't done shit, so its nice to know that I put a bad man in jail, overcame a difficult relationship, travelled solo in foreign countries, played a sport competitively, educated myself, and just... in general done alright. Of course there's room for improvement: I could be more emotionally available and honest, be at ease with my creative ability, treat people nicer with more understanding, be closer to godliness more often, let go of my past more, be at ease with and accept my sexuality,... but all in all i'm okay. My problems don't seem inconquerable any longer, which is really amazing. I guess that's what depression is, when you feel like your problems are greater than you... But they really weren't, it was a matter of outlook, because when I told Grace my current troubles, she reacted like it was a very difficult thing to cope with, but I feel like its completely manageable. Her empathy would have been a great comfort a few years ago, but now it seems unnecessary! I'm certainly not problem free, but i am so incredibly lucky in so many ways.
I never forgot that, but that knowledge can be difficult to cope with as well... Guilty privilege... but that's beside the point, because this is a celebration blog =)
My body is tired.
The regret is so difficult to deal with because since I was little I never let myself regret as it is a wasted emotion, but it is a really good one, I realize now. Her name was Ella, the one who said that regret is a wasted emotion. It was at the beginning stages of adolescence that she said that, but she may even disagree with her 13 year old self now, too. Regret can really set you straight, and is absolutely crucial for change.
The past few days have been, not only filled with regret, but with appreciation and celebration of my life. Not only that I get to appreciate a life to begin with, but I am amazed at the creative capacity of humans (and the destructive capacity) but both are two sides of the same coin, one necessitating the other.
Human connnection is incredibly importnat to me at this point of my life. And not individual connections, necessarily, but a connectedness to a greater whole, which of course, can be reached through individuals and single interactions. I have been blessed in the last few days by being able to spend time with some people who I just understand, and who seem to understand me at a quite uncomfortably deep level. It's strange how some people you meet and get along with immediately, whereas others, even if you know they are great people, you just can't seem to break that first layer of acquaintance.
Moving to San Francisco will be a good move. I know it. The close proximity to a wide variety of people, as well as relatively close access to mountains, as well as staying in a hub of creativity... I think I'll be alright. I was scared of losing myself in a big city, but if college has done anything for me its that I'm now ready for that challenge to keep my head on my shoulders amidst the chaos that represents the city. Hey, at least its not New York.
Blue... Green... Water... People...
I'm excited.
I told somebody my life story today. I felt sheepish about it, like I hadn't done it in forever... I guess I haven't in a while, and I felt bad subjecting her to it, but its really good to recap where I've been... It puts me in context. Sometimes I forget to look at the little picture. I've been thinking of myself in context with history, and so I forgot to look at myself in context of myself... It's a lot less pressure that way! Cos I'm doign quite well compared to where I was before.
History is full of prodiges and inventors, and in that contex I haven't done shit, so its nice to know that I put a bad man in jail, overcame a difficult relationship, travelled solo in foreign countries, played a sport competitively, educated myself, and just... in general done alright. Of course there's room for improvement: I could be more emotionally available and honest, be at ease with my creative ability, treat people nicer with more understanding, be closer to godliness more often, let go of my past more, be at ease with and accept my sexuality,... but all in all i'm okay. My problems don't seem inconquerable any longer, which is really amazing. I guess that's what depression is, when you feel like your problems are greater than you... But they really weren't, it was a matter of outlook, because when I told Grace my current troubles, she reacted like it was a very difficult thing to cope with, but I feel like its completely manageable. Her empathy would have been a great comfort a few years ago, but now it seems unnecessary! I'm certainly not problem free, but i am so incredibly lucky in so many ways.
I never forgot that, but that knowledge can be difficult to cope with as well... Guilty privilege... but that's beside the point, because this is a celebration blog =)
My body is tired.
Monday 8 June 2009
a moment
Inspired by a greater spirit... that's the feeling that i've been feeling deprived of. And i wouldn't feel deprived of it, had i never experienced it before. But in that moment, when time is revealed to be an illusion and the space between i and i becomes only an imagined separation it is ecstacy.
(watch Elizabeth Gilbert's amazing talk on creativity on Ted.com)Those moments are amazing, and I thankfully experienced it last night. It was, once again, in a drum circle. It sounds incredibly hippyish and i'm sorta embarrassed but music is such an effective means for me to reach that state. people drumming, making music in time, emotion and rhythm, fluctuating together in an abstract understanding of what was going on...
That same night I was talking to this guy who on the surface seemed incredibly unmotivated and without passion, but when talking him realized the depth and synchronicity was uncanny. It's strange when you meet somebody whom you don't think you will understand, but then they say things that YOU know, but you didn't know THEY knew... And nothing overt, but just in a i-see-the-world-like-this-too sort of way.
It always shocks me when that happens. There are certain sentiments that I hold that I don't assume others share. So when others assume that I share a sentiment that I in fact, do, it catches me off guard... it makes me question whether or not I trust people enough to understand me...
It's that feeling when somebody says something that yo'uve briefly thought about once... A thought that did not quite make it to consciousness, but then somebody else elaborates it FOR you. and it's like "ohhh, that's what that feeling I had was."
Why do emotions precede thoughts?
Human connection is the most effective tool, especially combined with music, to get in that spiritual zone...
Here is something i heard today from a friend: Spirituality is a neo-liberal way to make white people feel okay about themselves.
Maybe it's an irrelevant comment, but I felt like I wanted to reflect on that a little bit... I think "neo-liberal" in this context means the politically correct type, where white people feel badly about having historically colonized browner people and so make up for it by rejecting the superficialities of an oppressive religion, yet maintaining the spiritual effects of it...
The "neo-liberal" reminds me of this woman, Annie, who is a stepmother of a guy I know. She is a self-proclaimed yogi, teaches yoga and meditation, lights incense, eats vegetarian, and is quite concerned with harmony. Maybe deep down, it is just a way for her to alleviate white-guilt, but at least she is trying to transcend the filth and grime of human history... Or the wonder of innovation and revolution... Or an okayness with it all...
i was watching Lady Gaga today, and I was so positive that she was kidding, that she was a caricature of the media and pop music and that she was facetiously and successfully trashy in an ironic commentary on the materialism and ego that permeates pop culture. Then i learned she wasn't serious... what does this have to do with spirituality? hm... i'm not sure. there was a connection there but i lost it.
I watched Up today, too, but that's completely irrelevant, but I'd liek to write about that movie specifically. It's right up there with Wall-E in the Pixar/animation/Disney history...
I love that film is a way in which society can work out its anxieties and desires. It lets me know where we're at in the historical timeline of human events. God is at work in all of this, even the filth and grime.
I'm just incredibly tired. its 3am. i really should sleep. The point: THere was a spiritually successful drum circle.
(watch Elizabeth Gilbert's amazing talk on creativity on Ted.com)Those moments are amazing, and I thankfully experienced it last night. It was, once again, in a drum circle. It sounds incredibly hippyish and i'm sorta embarrassed but music is such an effective means for me to reach that state. people drumming, making music in time, emotion and rhythm, fluctuating together in an abstract understanding of what was going on...
That same night I was talking to this guy who on the surface seemed incredibly unmotivated and without passion, but when talking him realized the depth and synchronicity was uncanny. It's strange when you meet somebody whom you don't think you will understand, but then they say things that YOU know, but you didn't know THEY knew... And nothing overt, but just in a i-see-the-world-like-this-too sort of way.
It always shocks me when that happens. There are certain sentiments that I hold that I don't assume others share. So when others assume that I share a sentiment that I in fact, do, it catches me off guard... it makes me question whether or not I trust people enough to understand me...
It's that feeling when somebody says something that yo'uve briefly thought about once... A thought that did not quite make it to consciousness, but then somebody else elaborates it FOR you. and it's like "ohhh, that's what that feeling I had was."
Why do emotions precede thoughts?
Human connection is the most effective tool, especially combined with music, to get in that spiritual zone...
Here is something i heard today from a friend: Spirituality is a neo-liberal way to make white people feel okay about themselves.
Maybe it's an irrelevant comment, but I felt like I wanted to reflect on that a little bit... I think "neo-liberal" in this context means the politically correct type, where white people feel badly about having historically colonized browner people and so make up for it by rejecting the superficialities of an oppressive religion, yet maintaining the spiritual effects of it...
The "neo-liberal" reminds me of this woman, Annie, who is a stepmother of a guy I know. She is a self-proclaimed yogi, teaches yoga and meditation, lights incense, eats vegetarian, and is quite concerned with harmony. Maybe deep down, it is just a way for her to alleviate white-guilt, but at least she is trying to transcend the filth and grime of human history... Or the wonder of innovation and revolution... Or an okayness with it all...
i was watching Lady Gaga today, and I was so positive that she was kidding, that she was a caricature of the media and pop music and that she was facetiously and successfully trashy in an ironic commentary on the materialism and ego that permeates pop culture. Then i learned she wasn't serious... what does this have to do with spirituality? hm... i'm not sure. there was a connection there but i lost it.
I watched Up today, too, but that's completely irrelevant, but I'd liek to write about that movie specifically. It's right up there with Wall-E in the Pixar/animation/Disney history...
I love that film is a way in which society can work out its anxieties and desires. It lets me know where we're at in the historical timeline of human events. God is at work in all of this, even the filth and grime.
I'm just incredibly tired. its 3am. i really should sleep. The point: THere was a spiritually successful drum circle.
Thursday 4 June 2009
Acknowldgment
I realize now what i have to do. and to mark my seriousness, I am starting a blog! I have been plagued with this feeling of discontent, of irritation and a general stuckness. I just graduated from college and was practically pressured into grad school. But what I really want to do is remove myself from all this. I experienced the freedom of free-form travelling before, and my soul craves it so much. There's a general sense of being alive that encapsulates me when I'm in that flow. Whenever I encounter backpackers I can secondhandedly feel that spirit, and it rejuvenates me. I'll go to grad school, I'll learn about photography, I'll make some money in the meantime... but after that it is absolutely crucial that I experience the world... Sure, i'll experience it, but there is such an incredible amount of pressure that I need to escape from that will undoubtedly prevent me from being the greatest that i can be.
This civilization, this forward moving civilization of progress and productivity and high expectations is killing my soul. And the pressure has always been there, slowly crushing me under its weight. But I broke down yesterday, and its because I felt that the direction my life was going in was undesirable. I'm so friggin young, and I'm at that crossroad and transition period in which I decide where the rest of my life is going to go.
I feel silly saying this, but I shouldn't... it's just the way the internet makes me feel... that there will be at least one person out there that will judge me and say "she's crazy" or something, and of course there will be plenty of people who will say "right on!" or even "duh, girl. Of course."
But I need to chase my spirit. I have felt, since moving back to the suburbs, that this capitalist, consumerist, linear-timed society is not for me. And i used to think it was just my animal nature, craving some old-time hunting, gathering, and wandering, but that is my nature. That's a big deal.
I don't know what it will take to transcend this... Thoreau moved into the woods, and I feel like I have to take some extreme measure to be happiest. Otherwise I'll always be plagued with this sense of unfulfillment, like I'm not living up to my expectations...
Throughout history, the famous ones have been outcasts of society. And I want to blend in so much, but it's impossible. I will only blend in as a World Citizen, because Americans will never believe me when I say I'm American. And that's fine... I love being an American, but if they're not going to let me be one of them, fine. I'll just travel the world and feel at home in my own shoes, without feeling like I've been rejected. And I'll always love my tribe, and the home that exists in my memory, but in order to truly feel alive I need to feel like the world is my home again.
College somehow made me realize this, while simultaneously robbing me of this... It gave me a false sense of home, letting me feel comfortable with one specific geographical and social home, and making me feel more alienating from the greater picture.
^That part was a ramble and maybe didn't make quite as much sense as I would like it to...
Here is the plan:
I will go to graduate school as my final duty to society. Afterwards, I will move in the direction that life pushes me, and I will keep pushing outwards until I am free to break loose...
Okay, so that's not a specific plan... it's more like a metaphorical desire... but... but...
but...
what do i do?
This civilization, this forward moving civilization of progress and productivity and high expectations is killing my soul. And the pressure has always been there, slowly crushing me under its weight. But I broke down yesterday, and its because I felt that the direction my life was going in was undesirable. I'm so friggin young, and I'm at that crossroad and transition period in which I decide where the rest of my life is going to go.
I feel silly saying this, but I shouldn't... it's just the way the internet makes me feel... that there will be at least one person out there that will judge me and say "she's crazy" or something, and of course there will be plenty of people who will say "right on!" or even "duh, girl. Of course."
But I need to chase my spirit. I have felt, since moving back to the suburbs, that this capitalist, consumerist, linear-timed society is not for me. And i used to think it was just my animal nature, craving some old-time hunting, gathering, and wandering, but that is my nature. That's a big deal.
I don't know what it will take to transcend this... Thoreau moved into the woods, and I feel like I have to take some extreme measure to be happiest. Otherwise I'll always be plagued with this sense of unfulfillment, like I'm not living up to my expectations...
Throughout history, the famous ones have been outcasts of society. And I want to blend in so much, but it's impossible. I will only blend in as a World Citizen, because Americans will never believe me when I say I'm American. And that's fine... I love being an American, but if they're not going to let me be one of them, fine. I'll just travel the world and feel at home in my own shoes, without feeling like I've been rejected. And I'll always love my tribe, and the home that exists in my memory, but in order to truly feel alive I need to feel like the world is my home again.
College somehow made me realize this, while simultaneously robbing me of this... It gave me a false sense of home, letting me feel comfortable with one specific geographical and social home, and making me feel more alienating from the greater picture.
^That part was a ramble and maybe didn't make quite as much sense as I would like it to...
Here is the plan:
I will go to graduate school as my final duty to society. Afterwards, I will move in the direction that life pushes me, and I will keep pushing outwards until I am free to break loose...
Okay, so that's not a specific plan... it's more like a metaphorical desire... but... but...
but...
what do i do?
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