I should talk about my relationship with Jesus a little bit. I've found it an interesting subject lately.

I grew up in a secular family, a strong atheist father and sister, and an apathetic unspiritual mother. I am the black sheep in my family. I'm not sure why I turned out the way I did, but somehow my life aligned to make me at least desire something greater. Maybe it was all the gospel music in barbados that floated across the airwaves and into the culture, that made me feel like I was really missing out on something awesome.

When I was 13 I explored many, many differnet religions, and following jesus was one of the first things I discounted. I just couldn't believe some nut who thought he was the son of God. So i was actually a "satanist" for a while, and read Anton Lavey's Satanic bible, and really, its just an extreme version of atheism, but with the same therapeutic aspects of religion and ritual, and mostly conviction. Conviction is important... but eventually I grew out of it, especialy since it didn't provide a community. Firstly there are no satanic churches in northern virginia and secondly, even if i went to a sataanic church, if you weren't under 16 and you were still a satanist, there must be something wrong with you... something like stubborn immaturity.

So i grew out of it and was spiritless for a while, until I did a shroom trip. In that shroom trip (which I'll write about some other time, because thats also very important to my spiritual development) I discovered heaven in a construction site. I was walking along my road, noting that the electrics were buzzing and the energys were vibrating and everytnig was coming together. Every single one of my steps became predetermined, and i thought i had free will, but as soon as the next "coincidence" happened, i realized that though i THOUGHT i had free will, it was already planned, and it was known that i was going to do that. And it was annoying, but i would just laugh at it! And that laugh was also predetermined.

How annoying God is.

And As I walked towards this enormous metal edifice,I began to feel a sense of worship, not just for the things that humans build that are gigantic, but for the creative spirit of humans. I immeidately thought of characters such as Mickey Mouse, Dr. Seuss, Willy Wonka, and all those characters that growing up embodied the creative imaginative spirit... well they now embodied my concept of god.

Later on I met a man at 3am while i climbed rocks in a 24 hour gym who spoke Armaic and happened to study the bible in great depth in its original languages of armaic and hebrew. After he cleared up to me the immense translational mistakes that were made throughout the ages, and after he cleared up some idiom misunderstandings, Jesus seemed like a pretty cool guy. He said we were ALL divine, and that totally vibed with me, because I totally thought we were all divine too! especially all those times where i turned into a magical woodland elf, or a fairy, or made love to the earth in the james river, or frolicked across a construction site as Eve with an imaginary hypothetical Adam.

I have often felt like I was the first human, because we are all of the first human...

Anyway, its hard to explain. My family might disown me and think I'm crazy. Anybody reading this could think that... but i know there are other people who agree and know exactly what i'm talking about, and maybe are amazed that there's somebody out there who feels the same way about this world we live in...

After my near death experience (which i think i just posted previous to this one) i started listening to other stories of near death experiences. And there seems to be a consensus, that feeling of great love, admiration, comfort, peace... all the things i felt on that shroom trip, and all the things that i felt right after i almost died.... very, very similar.

But different only in imagery. People who grow up with Jesus as the figure to imagine see him. Others came up with more abstract figures of light, space, or wheat fields. I saw a construction site... Wherever i am i can feel it sometimes, its in the air, int eh wind, mostly in water, sometimes in the fire... Hmm...

Maybe there's something to astrology there. maybe the fact that I have made love to the earth in the James river means that i really am a water sign... But we all have a little of each sign in us, so technically i should be able to experience this with all elements.

who knows. I'd be interested to hear other peoples thoughts on this, but i'm just blogging into this webosphere.