Dear Emerald

"Dear divine Emerald,
I am having conflicting emotions about stepping into my power. I see myself being of great service to people by being a doula, a yoga instructor, a babysitter, and could learn so much from working in a local nursery or CSI. Sometimes i beat myself up about being lazy and selfish. Whats wrong with me!? Sometimes I think to myself (and i’m not sure if its an excuse for inaction) that its okay to Just Be, and that i’m learning how to simply exist without being constantly driven to do things. I’m wondering if this is in reaction to our Doing culture, and my inaction is just a reaction, not a practice that i’m partaking in out of integrity towards an ideal. I also tell myself that it will all happen in due time, but how long will i say that? Until i’m sick of it? What if i die beforehand? last time i brushed hands with death the realization was that i hadn’t done anything, and i don’t want to die having done nothing. I’ve been witnessed! If i die having done nothing i might not be forgiven.
Conflictedly,
Dear"



Well, Dear, perhaps you have been told that you are lazy and selfish by a few people and you have started to believe it. You are comfortable, and don’t need anything. You have all you need. But not all you want. Its okay to want, because that feeling is a self-actualizing motivator towards action. You want to be around people. You want to feel useful. You feel you have a lot to offer and can be helpful to people who could use you and perhaps even need you and your specific combination of skills and strengths!

It is good to simply be, but inaction and being are separate. If you are doing nothing yet distracted and not disciplining your mind towards peace, joy, and quietude, you may as well be hurriedly moving towards distant goals like a capitalist zombie. Whatever you do, do it fully. Be inactive fully, without distraction. If that doesn’t suit you, Do! If “how you do anything is how you do everything,” then how you do Nondoing is how you will do Doing. Practice one-pointedness and mindfulness, even in your nondoing. Don’t be bored, uninspired, or distracted from it. Its much easier said than done, so forgive yourself for your past distractions, and whenever it comes up, forgive yourself and remind yourself that its a practice and you can create good habits in your existence that can lead to integrating the ideals you strive for.

I cannot speak for death because I am sure that whatever i think i know about it, there is potential to be surprised by it, in good ways and bad ways. Perhaps it is all forgiving as christians say, but perhaps it is wrathful, like christians say! So nondoing may be forgiven but its possible that you’ve been warned and witnessed against nondoing and that its a vice you must overcome in your lifetime. What do you think and feel?

Its august. You have five months until you start school. You’ve been in this house for three months. What can you accomplish in five months? You could get a job, with purpose and usefulness, as a yogi, finding a babysitter for those hours during the week when you are teaching. You can volunteer at the local nursery, learning about plants and how to teach... If you felt like it. You could even just do that for a few hours, interviewing the master gardeners for what their time is worth and then dipping out when you’ve had enough. You can begin to build a network with midwives and doula’s, creating connections and attracting ‘clients’ or whatever, and maybe if a birth beckons and calls to you, you can leave the babe with your mother in that emergency moment, and be with the woman, or you can even take echo with you and get a babysitter on call or something!

Don’t let your child be an excuse for inaction. You can do whatever you want, even with a child. You have the money for a babysitter and you have the need and desire for usefulness beyond motherhood.

So what is my advice to me in the next few moments?
Follow your feet. You don’t know what is right for you right now, and you are afraid of getting in too deep. Heed that fear, and take on little by little and see how it feels. A yoga class once a week isn’t too much, but maybe a yoga class and volunteering in the nursery is too much to jump into right now. So, heed that fear.

You won’t ever be completely stagnant, so don’t worry about that. You might feel more stagnant that you’d like to be, and that’s fine, but don’t bother thinking you’re lazy and not pulling your weight unless someone distinctly tells you so. Follow your inclinations, and if that starts and ends with planting a few flowers, that’s maybe all there is in the stars for now. Your significance does not lie in what you do, but in what you represent and emanate. The joy and happiness you bring to people has little to do with what you Do, but more to do with what you Are, and you are divine and you radiate it at least a third of the time.

So go to sleep, dear. Its almost 3am, and noone can radiate when sleep-deprived.